Friday, May 30, 2008

monkey, monkey, monkey! this has taken me nearly 2 weeks...but better late than never, right? RIGHT! my darling husband allowed me to sleep from 9pm-9am (except for pumping breaks) last night so i'm feeling great and due to a torn nipple that started gushing blood last night, i am pumping for the weekend. which means that monkey is sleeping soundly right now because whereas he eats from the boob every hour it seems, the bottle knocks his cute little butt out!

on with the story! saturday, may 17th, phil and i woke up and spent the day together shopping for groceries so that we wouldn't have to go to the store after monkey got here. we went to build a bear and built him a monkey (chunky monkey!), and walked around the mall, costco, and the grocery store. i did as much walking as my poor ankles could handle and then we came home and napped. good thing...because at 3am i woke up, felt a gush from down below, and sat up straight in bed thinking to myself, "that was my water breaking, right?" well, no need to wonder, because soon after i felt another gush, and then another, and by that time i woke phil up telling him my water had broken. miraculously, all of that gushing somehow stayed off of my sheets, and did not drip on the way to the bathroom! WOOT WOOT! :)

i waited for a little while to see if my contractions would start and an hour later when i still hadn't had any, i called the hospital to see what i should do. they suggested i come in, so i packed my bag (i proscrastinate, what can i say?), phil did the dishes, and off we went. i drove, by the way. (sorry, babe!) we got to the hospital around 4:30 and after one of the most unpleasant exams i've ever received, i was told that i was still at 1. 1!!!!!!! STILL!!!!!!! so they sent me to the cafeteria to get some breakfast, since it was going to be the last time i ate, and started getting a room set up for me. at 7am we were taken to my room and although i had started having contractions, they were few and far between. at 9:30am they started pumping me full of pitocin and came by every 20 minutes to up the dosage. by 1:30pm, i decided it was about damn time for the epidural and they stuck me. immediately afterwards my surrogate grandparents stopped by and gave jacob his first birthday gift. napping commenced.

i woke up at 4:30pm and the nurse checked me. surprise! i was at 10. i may or may not have had a slight internal panic attack because boy howdy i was not expecting to be at 10. and yes, i did just say boy howdy. the nurse had me do a practice push and immediately told me STOP! it appeared little monkey was in a big hurry to join us all of a sudden. needless to say, 26 minutes and maybe 10 pushes later, i had a little monkey.

although i should've gotten an episiotomy, the doctor didn't cut fast enough, and i ended up tearing. monkey had some bruising on his face from the tight squeeze, and then his shoulders got stuck. so instead of holding my darling boy against my naked chest right away i had to wait for a few minutes for them to do their thing and make sure he was okay.

daddy took pictures, and mama cried a little, and then all of a sudden i had my little boy in my arms and it was the best moment of my life. he is the most handsome little monkey and already has a mind of his own. i can't believe he is already going to be 2 weeks seems like he has been with us forever already and i can't imagine my life without him.

Saturday, May 24, 2008


shaving your legs with a gigantic belly is so much easier than shaving your legs with gigantic tata's. seriously.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

monkey has arrived!

just a quick update for those of you who may be wondering...

jacob lucas joined us on sunday @ 4:56pm. he weighed 7 lbs 14 oz and was 20 inches long. labor was quick and effortless (thanks to the epidural!) and mommy, daddy, and monkey are very happy to be home.

story to come later!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

everything changes

my life has changed so drastically in the last year that i sometimes hardly recognize it as my own. there is no other time in my life that i remember having gone through so many changes all at once, yet i have never been so happy. i will always remember this pregnancy as being the best (so far) time of my life and i am so thankful for that. throughout my last pregnancy, while i was happy - even oddly so given the circumstances, i was going through the most awful time in my life and giving a baby away at the end of it all didn't help matters much. it took me a while to get my head back, and come to terms with my life up to that point, but i emerged whole, albeit bruised, and ready to grow the fuck up already.

i always said that i would never be able to "try" for my next baby. that it would just have to happen or i'd never do it because i was so afraid of not being able to give this baby everything i couldn't give my little man. so it was a tiny miracle that i did finally get knocked up and allow myself to face all the fears i had about having another child. because as soon as i saw those 2 lines, all the fears i had about being a mom vanished. i know i'm going to be a great mom. i'm going to make mistakes, and i'm okay with that. i have never looked forward to something so much as i am looking forward to watching this little boy grow into a man. a man who, if he's anything like his father, i will be so proud of.

so this is for my boys. my husband, my little man, and to the little monkey that refuses to get out of my belly: thank you so much for loving me, flaws and all, and letting me love you. you boys have changed my life in so many ways, and i am so lucky to have you.

Friday, May 9, 2008

in comparison

i never thought i would still be pregnant right now. i know, i know...i probably jinxed myself, but having my little man 5 weeks early led me to believe that i would have this munchkin early as well. the pregnancies have been almost identical (physically anyway, COMPLETELY OPPOSITE mentally and emotionally speaking) - so identical, in fact, that i should have known this baby was a boy even when they tried to tell me it was a girl. especially since i was convinced it was a girl last time, too. i even said, "SHE HAS A PENIS?!?!" when they told me my little man was a boy. lol. but instead, it's kind of like being pregnant for the first time.

it's hard to believe that sometime in the next 3 weeks (because let's face it, even if they strip my membranes on monday that's no guarantee this monkey's coming out!) i will finally get to hold my little boy, and know that he is forever mine. i never got to connect with my little man that way and more than anything i look forward to holding monkey for the first time and knowing that i will feed him, love him, and nurture him for the rest of his life and that he will call ME mama. i am so grateful that i have been given another opportunity to be a mom. i was always so afraid that it wouldn't happen, and i would never get to have my baby call me mama. but i am also so grateful for the decision i made for my little man, and that i have been blessed with the most fabulous adoptive parents i could have ever asked for. i can't wait to see my little man a few weeks after monkey's arrival. to see him hold his little brother will be a moment i will never forget. and the fact that he will get to acknowledge that he is his little brother is a miracle as well. it's so comforting to know my little man is growing up in a home where openness and honesty are encouraged. making the decision to place him for adoption, while the hardest thing i've ever done, is also the most wonderful thing as well. it taught me so much about myself and others, and helped me become a better person.

this monkey has already brought so much goodness into my life, and he's not even here yet, that i can't even imagine how much is yet to be experienced. i can't wait to see my husband's face the first time he holds our baby, and to experience this journey together.

so come on monkey, and let's get on with it!

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

eviction notice

dear tenant (aka: monkey),

effective today, 5/7/08, you have 14 days to vacate my uterus. i think you have had enough free room and board, and it is time for you to join the real world. it's not that i haven't enjoyed you inhabiting my body, but i think it's time we go our separate ways. thank you for your cooperation.

regards (love),

the mama