Sunday, November 30, 2008


it seems that i've created a monster. or maybe this is normal and i am just an inexperienced first time mother trying to find a solution to a problem that doesn't really exist. regardless, i know that i am tired. tired of waking up in the middle of the night, and tired of fighting my frustration at having to get up in the middle of the night. on one hand, i realize that jacob is almost solely breastfed and it can be normal for breastfed babies to continue nighttime feedings up until they are a year old. on the other hand, i have also read numerous articles that state a baby over 12 lbs and 4 months of age should be able to sleep thru the night.

i would follow my instincts on this one except that my instincts keep changing. as you can imagine, this just exacerbates the problem because i am not being consistent. when we originally made the choice to let him cry it out, he seemed to follow the normal pattern. the first night was the hardest, the second night was easier, and so on until he didn't wake up at all. but then he woke up again for some reason and i got up with him. then i decided one feeding in the early morning hours was no big deal. then the doctor told me that because he is breastfed it is possible that he is hungry and it is okay to feed him. and then he started getting up multiple times a night again. so now every night i have an internal battle between feeling like i should be feeding my hungry baby and feeling like i should break the cycle.

which leads me to last night when i decided that if nothing else, there is no reason he should be getting up three times and it was time we got back on track. he cried on and off for 2 hours - from 3:15am to 5:15am until i finally gave in and fed him. at first, he would quiet down when i went in to pat his back for a moment and make me think he had fallen back to sleep. then a few minutes later, just as i had fallen back asleep he would start crying again. so was he hungry? i don't know if it's that or if it's a habit and he knew i would come in eventually so he kept crying until i did.

the first night that i let him cry he only cried for an hour and then less each night following. why all of a sudden is he crying for so long? i don't go to him each time he cries so there isn't a pattern on my part as far as that goes, although there should be. either i go in and feed him or i don't. no more of this giving in one time but not another. i need to make up my mind and stick it out, i just can't decide what is right for us. but damn it, something needs to be done or i am going to lose my mind. this really doesn't need to be so difficult, but what if he really is hungry and i neglect to feed him? and how am i supposed to know if that is really the case?

to feed or not to feed. that is the question.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

happy turkey day!

i am thankful for so much this year...i am thankful for my son, i am thankful for my husband, i am thankful for wonderful friends and family some of whom i will share the day with for the first time. i am thankful for my beautiful home and all of the things that fill it. i am thankful for the shirt on my back and the food in my belly. i could go on and on...but i won't. ;)

i hope everyone else has endless things to be thankful for and y'all be safe tomorrow. eat lots of food, drink lots of tasty beverages, and spend some quality time with your loved ones.

gobble, gobble!

Monday, November 24, 2008

parental stupidity at it's best!

last night i put the monk to bed and he cried for a few minutes like he always does before going to sleep and then quieted down. i thought everything was all dandy until 20 minutes later when i heard him screaming his little head off. i go into his room (THANK GOD), lift him out of his crib, and see that the sheets are covered in some liquid that cannot possibly be drool because there is far too much of it. just as i go to slide my hand over it (because apparently standing in the dark and running your hand over a strange substance is the best way to assess a situation rather than turning on a light and LOOKING at it), jacob leans back and projectile vomits all over me, 3 times. instead of being calm, turning the light on, and checking things out, i start to cry, scream for phil and proceed to wonder if my baby is dying and what is wrong and why is he puking and holy shit, that stinks! so phil comes in and takes the baby while i peel my lovely vomit (and i do mean vomit) soaked shirt off. as i'm in the bathroom, he brings a tag to me - a tag that came off of the carter's monkey i had hanging on the outside of his crib bar which earlier that day he figured out how to pull into the crib and i thought was the cutest thing ever when i found him chewing on it's leg after a nap. yes, i am now accepting awards for Mother of the Year. i am sure this will seem funny in a few years, not taking the tag off the damn monkey, but last night it was far from funny. especially since when we couldn't find the rest of the tag, we had to, or i should say, PHIL had to, stick his finger down his throat and get him to throw the rest of it up. my poor, poor son.

AND! last weekend we came home from somewhere - probably fucking wally world because i spend every godforsaken day there - and phil set the monk on the couch while i set my purse down on the counter. as soon as i realized he did that i ran to the couch as fast as i could just in time to see him FLIP off the couch and land in between the couch and coffee table nearly hitting his head on the table. it's one thing to know your baby has fallen, it is another thing entirely to witness it and not be able to do anything about it!!! needless to say, he survived, and had an itty bitty bruise on his leg the next day, but seriously? he is only 6 months old. i cannot imagine what else may be in store for this poor child. i am going to need therapy.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

holy motherfucker.

i had a salted caramel hot chocolate (plus espresso) today from starbuck's and while i will admit that it was indeed delicious, i just found out that it was 620 calories and 31 grams of fat! FOR SOME HOT CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!! what the fuck?!?! so not weight watchers friendly. wow. i guess i should've known something that tasty was not going to be good for me!

silly me!


i forgot to tell you that you are still getting up at night...i did, however, decide the day after your 5 month update that i couldn't handle getting up 3 times a night anymore. after doing some research, we chose to let you cry and the first night was absolute hell. i laid in bed listening to you cry for nearly an hour, feeling like my heart was being ripped to shreds, before i finally got up and read what to expect the first year by stove light to reassure myself that it was okay to let you cry and i wasn't being the most terrible, negligent mother in the world. it was rough. the next night you cried for a few minutes and that was it and then the night after you slept all the way through. sometime during the month you reverted to getting up at least once, usually between 4-6am and sometimes i would indulge you. when i talked to the doctor she told me you are a big boy and since you weren't eating much baby food and are a breastfed baby that it was possible that you really were hungry and it was okay to get up with you. so last night what did you do? you slept through the night! i don't hold much hope that this will stick, but i have a feeling now that you're eating more throughout the day that it will taper off soon enough.

also, auntie and i took you to bismarck today for some shopping and you were so good! you slept almost the entire way there and when you did wake up you just babbled and played with your toys until we got to our destination. you hung out in your stroller while we shopped and never made a peep, and then slept the entire way home. i actually had to wake you up when we got home! it was the most pleasant car ride we've taken yet.

right now you and daddy are playing and you are giggling your little butt off. daddy is bouncing you from side to side and lu dog is running in circles around you. you are cracking up! have i ever told you how happy your giggle makes me? because baby giggles should totally be bottled up and sold as anti-depressants. they are that good.



Wednesday, November 19, 2008

month 6!

hi my handsome boy,

you had your 6 month check up today and you are now 20 lbs 13 oz and 27 inches long. in other words, you are a biiiig boy! we got the go ahead to start feeding you 3 times a day and to move on to the 2nd foods once you've tried all of the 1st foods. i think we have just a couple left to try so it won't be too long before you get to start eating the fruit combos (tasty!), and the meats (gross!). we also get to give you juice...yum! mommy is not very excited about this because feeding you is quite a process. i am going to be spending a good portion of my day cleaning up after your meals and messes stress me out. i am going to have to relinquish a bit of my ocd when it comes to that if i am going to survive the next few years.

i know i tell you that you're amazing every day, but i just can't get over it. you are rolling all over the place these days. sometimes across entire rooms, sometimes just back and forth, but you love this new freedom! you hold yourself up when standing against a table and are sitting up on your own for short bursts of time (max: 30 seconds). grandma and grandpa d bought you the fisher price musical jungle when they were here a few weeks ago and that has helped you a lot with the sitting and standing. we also bought you a walker to get you moving around a bit, and i will have to let you know how you like it next month because it hasn't arrived in the mail yet. as for the rest of your toys - well, like i said before, don't be surprised if you don't receive many in the future.

every morning you lie in bed with me and smile and babble away. this is the only time of day that you will just relax and i savor every moment. when you finally decide you've had enough relaxing i put you in your baby einstein exercauser, put your baby einstein baby neptune dvd on and do a little cleaning up in the kitchen, straighten out the couch cushions, have my chai tea, and listen to you play. 2 hours after you wake up you go down for a nap and i get to shower! you sleep anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours and then you wake up, eat, and we usually try to get out of the house for a bit. sometimes we go to lunch with grandma, auntie, or daddy, and sometimes we just go to wally world, which is your favorite place to be. after the next 2 hour round, you take another nap, i watch ellen, clean some more, and sometimes do a little bit of work. after your nap you eat again, we play, and then i take you for a walk if the weather allows. this schedule has been pretty consistent for the past few months.

you have started rolling your tongue and do so a lot throughout the day. it is adorable to listen to. you recently started trying to pull my necklace off and since daddy refuses to buy me another necklace from tiffany's if you break this one, i think i may have to stop wearing it for a while. you pull my hair. A LOT. and i would really appreciate it if you would stop because that shit hurts!

we are coming up on your first thanksgiving and christmas and i am very excited for us to be surrounded by so much family. grandma and grandpa d are coming for 2 1/2 weeks in december and will be spending christmas with us. it is going to be great. i haven't decided what to get you yet because you already get everything you need and a lot that you don't and i want to avoid spoiling you at such a young age. you will never remember the gifts you got and chances are you won't play with them anyway so i'm considering buying you baking sheet and a spatula and calling it good. if you're lucky maybe i'll get you a remote control of your very own!

i have been thinking a lot lately about how fast these past 6 months have gone and how fast the next 6 will pass as well. it is so fun to watch you learn every day, but i can't help wishing you would slow it down just a little. your brother is already 7 years old and i can't help thinking that one day i am going to blink and you will be too. please remember that no matter how old you are, no matter how you dress, or what you do, i will always love you and you will always be my baby boy. and i expect my fair share of smooches in return for all those i bestow upon you. and if you refuse, i will not hesitate to bust out the blackmail pictures. don't mess with your mama! ;)

p.s. your knee fat is delectable.


Friday, November 14, 2008


this week has been kind of crazy. however, it was a welcome change from last week when i thought that a.) it would never end b.) i was the worst mom ever and c.) that i was going to have a nervous breakdown.

now don't get me wrong, i am thankful each and every day that i have the opportunity to stay home with my little monkey. i wouldn't trade it for the world, and on most days i look at his sweet smile and my heart overflows with love and gratitude. but i'll be honest - last week the only thing i was grateful for was naptime and bedtime.

it may have had something to do with the blizzard that kept us housebound for 3 days, but i think it had more to do with life finally settling down. this past year has been such a whirlwind for us - getting married, having jacob, our wedding reception, and then the cross-country move. i finally had the chance to sit back and realize that this is my life now. i am officially a stay-at-home mom to a demanding (almost) 6-month old that requires constant stimulation that i just don't know how to provide. and as any mom knows, some days are worse than others.

most days i cope and you would never know my day was anything other than great, but sometimes i just don't know what to do. i feel like there is something that i should be doing that i'm not and i don't know what it is. like i'm missing something and failing him as a parent. i know these are all normal feelings, but when it's 1pm and i still have 4 hours left to go until daddy gets home and i have exhausted all avenues of entertainment, i sometimes feel like i'm not cut out for this "mom" thing.

i miss my friends. i am sad that we all have or are having babies and that we are not raising them together. i don't regret my choice to move and had we stayed i never would have seen them anyway due to working a full time job and trying to maintain some semblence of a family life, but i had always envisioned us raising our children together and having family bbq's. i know we will make new friends here and that dull ache will eventually fade, but it is in full force at the moment.

i need to get out and meet other new moms. being a sahm is often a lonely, boring, and thankless job. i need to continue to get out on my own, feed my interests, and be myself outside the label of "mom" and "wife." i have no desire to be anything other than those things, but i cannot lose myself in these newfound roles so that there is nothing resembling the woman i was before. i am exercising, getting in shape, and enjoying every minute of it. i am forging new friendships and learning exactly how to be a mother and a wife, and i am making this new place my home. in reality, life is pretty great.

but i'm not going to lie, if you have any suggestions on how to keep the monkey entertained, i am more than willing to lick your nipples for that information. ;)

Thursday, November 6, 2008

i need a vacation

most days i love staying home with the monk...

today is not one of those days.