my first mother's day

i feel like the luckiest mama in the world today. i just keep looking at jacob and thanking him for finally making me a mama in the real sense of the word. phil has always been sweet, and acknowledged me on mother's day, because i did, in fact, give birth to another child, but it has always been a bittersweet day for me. he knew it was especially rough for me the first few years, so he would tell me happy mother's day, take me out to lunch, and make me feel special for the day. it was hard, because i felt like i was a mom, if only in the most technical sense. i made a child, brought him into the world, and needed to feel like i wasn't forgotten just because he wasn't with me anymore. phil was always sensitive to that and it just makes me love him all that much more.

it's so different now, because i'm a MOM mom. i feed him, i change his diapers, i wipe snot, clean up puke, bathe him, play, laugh, cuddle, and watch him grow on a daily basis. it makes me grateful that i made the choice i did, so that i get to fully experience motherhood the way it's meant to be experienced. i know if i had kept jacob's older brother that it wouldn't have been that way. and i am glad that i was wise enough to know that at the time. that what i would have been able to give him at the time would never compare to what she could give him. and i was absolutely right. she's amazing and i make sure to celebrate her every year. this year she sent me a mother's day card and a book on baby sign language to celebrate my first mother's day. it nearly brought me to tears.

so, in honor of today, i did the one thing i swore i would NEVER do for the first time ever, and hopefully, but not likely, the last. i licked my thumb and used it to wipe dried snot off of jacob's face. if that doesn't scream motherhood, i don't know what does.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

yeeeeeeeeeee-haw!

good news! phil starts a new job on monday. the only catch is that it's about 4 1/2 hours north of here, so he will probably only be home on weekends. but, with things the way they are, i am just grateful that he found work again so soon. it will definitely be an adjustment for the monkey and i, and i HATE being alone, especially at night, but i'm hoping it won't be so bad after a little while.

i'm so glad all of that worrying was for naught! phil hates that i always expect the worse, but the way i look at it, if you always expect the worst you won't be disappointed when it happens, and you will be pleasantly surprised when it doesn't. sounds crazy, but it works for me. and i always know in the back of my mind that things will be okay. maybe not the way i plan them to be, but okay nonetheless.

these boots are made for walkin'...

jacob,

today marks the day that i have decided to deem, "the day you took your first steps!" over the past few weeks you have been standing on your own. at first it was only for a couple of seconds, but as time goes by you stand for longer periods of time. within the last week you took a step, fell down, and crawled along on your merry way. today, however, you started taking 2, then 3 steps, until finally you took 5 whole steps! i am in no rush for you to be a walker, but i want you to know how very proud your daddy and i are. you continue to amaze me on a daily basis, little man.

smoochy mooch!

mama

bizarre?

is it completely weird and pathetic that i cried this morning when i realized i got my period for the first time since before i got pregnant? or is it just completely weird and pathetic that i just told the internet?

month 11!

jacob,

you are getting so ridiculously big, my boy. just in the past month you have started waving, standing on your own, climbing off of things, kissing like crazy, comprehending what i say to you and sometimes listening, but let's be honest, mostly not. you found your penis not too long ago, while in the tub, and haven't let it go since, and i must say, your father is proud. you even like to stand after your bath at various places in your room, and pee like a big boy. you love to open and close cabinets and drawers, and you love to take things out of drawers and then put them back in. i also forgot to mention that somewhere between 9 and 10 months, you finally started sitting.

you are getting more teeth, but alas, they are not your two front teeth. oh no, they are your bicuspids! you are going to look like a little vampire baby. i kinda like that you're different, but it freaked me out a bit at first. the funny thing is that i had no idea you were even getting teeth until one night after bathtime you leaned your head back and i saw that one was already popping out! i thought to myself that i had the bestest teething baby in the whole world, and then i slapped myself for thinking such a thing, when every other day since then has been not so awesome to say the least.

your auntie and future girlfriend, lil t, came out to visit at the beginning of the month and the two of you played so well, my uterus was begging to be inhabitated again. luckily your other auntie had her second little boy the other day and hearing about how that is going with an 18 month old has convinced me that's not such a good idea just yet! but did i mention how cute the two of you were? she was kissing and hugging you to pieces, and you would kiss her back, and i just melted every time. you had such a great time with your little buddy, and we even recorded the two of you taking a bath together, and kissing, so that we can blackmail and torture you in your teenage years.

you are eating a variety of foods now, although your appetite still surprises me in that it's not very big. maybe once you stop getting the boob? one more month, baby, one more month. *sigh* i am ready, but i am not ready to go through the process of doing it. i can't even bring myself to give up our early morning feeding, but that is mostly because i want to sleep later. but i think i am going to have to soon to make the transition easier later on. foods you are eating include lunch meat, cheese, chicken, pb & j, animal crackers, cheerios, pancakes, yogurt, fruit cups, mashed potatoes, fish, ground beef, and sometimes if you're feeling generous, veggies. sometimes we just give you whatever we're having if it's baby friendly, and sometimes we give you a gerber graduates meal. you absolutely love the gerber cheese puffs and you would eat an entire can in a sitting if i'd let you. gerber puffs? not so much anymore.

we are going to phoenix again at the end of may because your uncle g is getting married, and we are going to have your 1st birthday party while we're there. i am so excited that we get to have it there because all of your little friends can come. we are having invitations made that say, "our little monkey, jacob, is turning 1!" that have a little monkey on them with all the details for the party. we are going to bbq and swim, drink and have a great time. it will be perfect. your grandma m may even fly out if there's no work yet.

i have started to have to "discipline" you and i hate it. it makes me feel like the meanest mama in the world, and i hate the idea that you may think i'm mad at you. there is a baby gate up at the top of the stairs and you love to defy me by climbing up and standing on it. i have told you, "no thank you," countless times, tried using a stern voice, pulling you away and putting you elsewhere, and nothing distracts you from it. i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how taking care of a baby is the easy part, while raising a child is the hard part. i just hope you know that whatever i do or don't let you do is for your own good, and i am going to try my best to be the best mom i can be. i'm only human so i'm bound to screw up along the way, but hopefully the stuff i do right outweighs the wrong.

i love you.

mama

i'm trying!

this keeping a positive outlook business is harder than it seems. i am relatively calm about the whole thing, but as my bank account keeps diminishing, and the checks stop coming, i have a harder time remembering that everything will work out. i know it will, but i just wish it would happen soon.

month 10!

baby boy,

this month is going to be a bullet point list of all the things i can remember you doing over the past month. :)

- you are waving now. quite possibly the cutest thing EVER.

- getting you dressed and changing your diaper is like training for the WWF.

- you can now crawl down the stairs.

- your climbing prowess is growing at an alarming rate.

- you are becoming quite the snuggle bug.

- you LOVE playing with other kids, and i love watching.

- you got your first cold this month when we took you to phoenix.

- flying on an airplane alone with you is something i never want to do again!

- you are still waking up at night, and we are trying once again to break you of this habit.

- since you got sick, i do not even try to feed you baby food anymore.

- you like eating big people food, and the freedom of feeding yourself, but you don't eat much.

- you say, "dada" all day long. especially when i try to get you to say "mama." stinker.

- in 2 months, you are going to be 1. HOLY CRAP.

we love you the mostest.

mama