ramblings...

this week has been kind of crazy. however, it was a welcome change from last week when i thought that a.) it would never end b.) i was the worst mom ever and c.) that i was going to have a nervous breakdown.

now don't get me wrong, i am thankful each and every day that i have the opportunity to stay home with my little monkey. i wouldn't trade it for the world, and on most days i look at his sweet smile and my heart overflows with love and gratitude. but i'll be honest - last week the only thing i was grateful for was naptime and bedtime.

it may have had something to do with the blizzard that kept us housebound for 3 days, but i think it had more to do with life finally settling down. this past year has been such a whirlwind for us - getting married, having jacob, our wedding reception, and then the cross-country move. i finally had the chance to sit back and realize that this is my life now. i am officially a stay-at-home mom to a demanding (almost) 6-month old that requires constant stimulation that i just don't know how to provide. and as any mom knows, some days are worse than others.

most days i cope and you would never know my day was anything other than great, but sometimes i just don't know what to do. i feel like there is something that i should be doing that i'm not and i don't know what it is. like i'm missing something and failing him as a parent. i know these are all normal feelings, but when it's 1pm and i still have 4 hours left to go until daddy gets home and i have exhausted all avenues of entertainment, i sometimes feel like i'm not cut out for this "mom" thing.

i miss my friends. i am sad that we all have or are having babies and that we are not raising them together. i don't regret my choice to move and had we stayed i never would have seen them anyway due to working a full time job and trying to maintain some semblence of a family life, but i had always envisioned us raising our children together and having family bbq's. i know we will make new friends here and that dull ache will eventually fade, but it is in full force at the moment.

i need to get out and meet other new moms. being a sahm is often a lonely, boring, and thankless job. i need to continue to get out on my own, feed my interests, and be myself outside the label of "mom" and "wife." i have no desire to be anything other than those things, but i cannot lose myself in these newfound roles so that there is nothing resembling the woman i was before. i am exercising, getting in shape, and enjoying every minute of it. i am forging new friendships and learning exactly how to be a mother and a wife, and i am making this new place my home. in reality, life is pretty great.

but i'm not going to lie, if you have any suggestions on how to keep the monkey entertained, i am more than willing to lick your nipples for that information. ;)