Monkey Business

9 months...and moving!

2011-12-11T14:44:00.000-08:00

pickle pants,

i've never called you that, but now that's it come to me, i think i will start. :) tomorrow you are going to be 9 (!!!) months old and if that wasn't enough, we're moving back to AZ. i am terrified! and excited! and so many other things, i could dedicate an entire blog post to it (them? who has time for grammar anyway?).

so, you've been with us for as long as you lived inside me, and i have to say, "where in the hell has the time gone?" i wouldn't be your mom if there wasn't a swear word in there somewhere. ;) hardest habit to kick! haha. anyway, my darling girl, you are amazing! your smile, your laugh, your easygoing nature, you pretty much rock my socks off on a daily basis. you still suck at sleeping, but we won't get into that.

in the past few months since i last blogged, you started cruising, you said, "mama," and you finally decided to allow baby food to enter your mouth. it was kind of a fluke because you only did that day and the next, but i have to admit i don't try very hard, because i'm not really all that worried about. since we're moving back to AZ, and daddy doesn't have a job anymore, i'm going to have to get one, so you'll be nursing less and eating more soon, i'm sure.

we're not sure where this year is going to take us, baby girl, but hopefully to bigger and better things. that's all i'm going to say about that because this is supposed to be about YOU, but just know that everything i do, i do for you and your brother.

love you, pickleface.

xoxox,
mama

pickle - 6 months

2011-09-20T14:05:00.001-07:00

so it's been forever since i've posted here, but yesterday when i was voicing my frustration with certain pickle-isms, my baby daddy had the idea to read my blog from when jacob was the same age and pooint out that i had the exact same frustrations. this led me to a.) feel like an ass because DUH, why didn't I think of that??? and b.) feel like an ass because DUH, why haven't i been writing a monthly update for pickle??? shittiest mom on the planet award goes to...ME! but in all seriousness, if the shittiest mom on the planet award were to go to me it would most definitely be because of other parental faux pas, not for waiting 6 months to post my daughter's first monthly update. :)

anywho! in reading some of my posts from back in the day, i realized that i miss my personality. the one i used to have. before i became a stay-at-home-mom to TWO babies in the middle of nowhere ND and forewent any kind of social life whatsoever. well, okay...a toddler and a baby, but until they wipe their own asses they're still babies to me. i love being a mom, and most days i would rather do nothing but cook, clean and do laundry for my family whilst they shower me with undying love and gratitude, but other days i long for just a slight break from the monotony and a chance to just be me. i try not to focus on that too much because i know that this is just a phase, one that all parents of small children probably go through, and that before i know it they won't be my babies anymore and i will long for the days when i could kiss and snuggle them whenever my heart desired. but still, sometimes a girl needs a break!!! or a drink.

since i have started writing this i-don't-know-how-many-days-ago i decided it's probably best i get this over with or it will probably fall by the wayside with the other 10 unfinished posts i just found. so without further ado...

pickle girl,

oh my darling baby girl...you are too big for your britches. you are my pickle wickle, fancy dancer, lovergirl. i never could've imagined having a daughter would be so amazing. it's not any more amazing than having a son, just different. akin to what it must feel like when a man finally has the son he's always dreamed of. there's just something special about our relationship in a totally awesome way and i love it. and you!

the week before you turned 6-months-old you started crawling, sitting up and pulling yourself up on things. so now your favorite activity is ignoring all of your toys and crawling to the nearest piece of furniture you can pull yourself up on, squealing in delight, and then crying because you can't get yourself down. let's work on that, shall we? especially since the other night you were standing in the kitchen and fell backwards and hit your head on the hard floor. your cry was heartbreaking and a mama can only take so much of that!

at your 6-month appt you weighed exactly 17 lbs and were 25 2/4 inches tall. your brother already weighed almost 4 lbs more than you at this age, but he was a fattypants. you are pleasantly plump. =) your sleeping habits are less than desirable, i must say. from 5-6 months i was afraid you'd be a cat-napper for life, but i'm happy to say you've stopped that and nap for 1-2 hrs (sometimes 3!) in the a.m. and again for an hour or so in the afternoon. you could take a 3rd nap, but then you'd be up all night and i can't have that. oh, wait! you are up all night anyway! seriously, you wake up every 45 minutes to an hour after i put you to sleep for 3-4 hrs and then wake up every 2 hrs at least for the rest of the night until 8am. KNOCK. IT. OFF. because if you don't i'm gonna have to let you cry it out and i really don't want to have to do that to you. or myself. you breastfed babies can really be a pain...always wanting my boob and stuff. there must be some really delicious stuff in there because SHEESH.

we are taking a mommy & pickle trip to phx this weekend to go wedding dress shopping with auntie yaya. we're going to stay with auntie candi and little t and see your other aunties and cousins too. i'm probably more excited about this than you, but you're pretty easy to please so i'm sure you'll have a blast. and you get to have mommy all to yourself, you lucky ducky. just do me a favor and be good on the plane.

SMOOCHES,
mama

now or never

2010-03-29T12:17:00.000-07:00

updates are clearly a thing of the past around here, so i thought i'd take a few minutes to share some of what's going on!

jacob is now sleeping in a big boy bed. it's been 3 nights so far, 2 of which he's slept thru the night. for the 10 days leading up to the big boy bed, he had been climbing out of his crib multiple times in the middle of the night, turning me into a monster. i do not do middle-of-the-night very well now that i have had a taste of 8 consecutive hours of sleep. everyone told me he was ready for a big boy bed and i refused to believe it, mostly because i wasn't ready for my big boy to be a big boy. i'm still not ready for a big boy bed, or big boy anything for that matter - my son is not even 2!!! - but he seems to like it. i even caved and bought him a cars bedding set to make it extra exciting. something i swore i'd never do since i hate character ANYTHING, but i think i love cars even more than he does. =)

i am 1 quiz away from finishing my 4th of 5 courses in medical transcriptioning. i mostly started as a way to keep busy and use my brain while phil was away last year. i figured it would be something to stimulate me intellectually and bring in some extra $$$'s at the same time. i am pleased to annouce i am kicking some serious medical transcriptioning ass. also, i ran a mile yesterday! go me!

my parents are coming on wednesday to spend easter with us. thank god for personal trader joe's delivery! then at the end of the month we're all going to ga to see my other son. can't wait to watch the boys play together. in june i'm taking phil to memphis for his birthday. mostly to visit the gibson guitar factory, but also because we plan on trying for another baby this summer and need to get away just the two of us. we never went on a honeymoon and the only other trip we took just us was to san francisco where i ended up with food poisoning on the 2nd day. we are long overdue!

jacob is talking so much these days...he is so sweet and lovable and squeezable and everything you want your baby to be one second and then the next he turns into a screaming, whining little monster. gotta love the 2's. he loves his "melmo" book and goodnight moon before bed every night. he would spend every waking moment outside if we let him. he's wearing 2T or 3T depending on the brand, eating like a champ (he likes tilapia!), and amazing me more every day with how utterly awesome he is.

all in all, life is good. :)

new year, new beginnings

2010-01-01T12:08:00.000-08:00

i don't want to jinx myself by saying that 2009 was the worst year of my adult life thus far, but it pretty much was. lots of bad combined with just enough good to keep us hanging on leads me to believe that 2010 can only be better. to assist this in happening, i am putting all of my positive thoughts and energy out into the universe KNOWING that it will be.

so far, we hope to go visit jacob's big brother, try for baby number #2 (for us), and live under the same roof for more than 24 hours a week.

don't let me down, 2010...i'm counting on you!

month 17!

2009-10-18T17:33:00.000-07:00

hi my smoochy moocher,

it is getting harder for me to write these things every month, but i am going to try and stick with it until you're 2. which, realistically speaking, is only 7 months away...?!?!?! soooooooo, my little boy. you are a dancing fool. i am pretty sure i have never seen anything so funny as a toddler dancing. every time those damn imagination movers come on, you get down, and it is the cutest thing i've ever seen. you are blibber blabbering away, but haven't really added any words except for "baby" to your vocabulary. you are still napping twice a day (THANK THE LORD, see previous post), but i don't hold out hope that it will last much longer. i am just not sure what i will do with ALL OF THOSE HOURS IN A DAY with you AWAKE. ;)

we took our first family vacay with just the three of us at the beginning of september. we stayed in keystone, sd and visited so many fun places that i hope we can go back to one day when you're a bit older. the first day we got there we stopped at the cosmos and you were hilarious! we were letting you waddle all over, which in hindsight probably did not make us look like the best parents ever, but sometimes you have to sacrifice your image for a laugh. the cosmos are this strange phenomena where although you are on level ground, gravity pulls you sideways. it is impossible to stand up straight and we all had to hold on to the walls just to keep our balance. i don't know if it was easier for you because you were closer to the ground, but you managed not to fall over!

we also went to the reptile gardens (daddy's favorite), the petting farm (my favorite), and bear country - where bears walk right in front of your car! it was tons of fun. we also took you to toys r us for the first time and you loved it there. but then what kid doesn't? you climbed all over the shelves, up onto power wheels, behind boxes, and just generally ran amuck. daddy and i really enjoyed watching your face light up as you ran from thing to thing. we also visited mt. rushmore which was our main reason for going to sd in the first place. it is a lot smaller than i had imagined it, but still pretty awesome, and i'm glad i can finally say i've been there. strange, since i still haven't seen the grand canyon after living in phoenix for 17 years, but we are going to try and rectify that in december when we go visit grandma & grandpa d for christmas.

so, my lucky little guy, you have offially visited 7 states already in under a year and a half of life. you have been to arizona, nevada, montana, north dakota, south dakota, indiana and illinois! wow! before you know it you'll have been to all 50! it was great to take a trip somewhere as a family and i can't wait for our next family vacation. :)

that's about all i have to report this time, but stay tuned for your next update. i'm sure i will have LOTS to tell you about being ONE AND A HALF!

love you lots and lots,

mama

oh boy...

2009-10-14T14:27:00.001-07:00

son,

i think you are close to ridding yourself of your afternoon nap. you may not find it necessary, but i find is absolutely necessary. there will be tears, for sure. most likely they will be mine, so bear with me.

also, i am sorry i didn't write you a 16-month post, but it was a shitty month and i just didn't feel like it. so there.

love,

mama

month 15!

2009-08-18T14:44:00.000-07:00

jacob,

you are the most kick ass kid on the planet! i took you for your 15 month check up today and you didn't even cry when you got your shots...in fact, you smiled at the nurse after she did it! YOU ARE SO COOL. don't get me wrong, if you had cried, you'd be just as cool, but i think not crying during shots is unheard of and makes you exceptionally exceptional. :)

you weigh 26.4 lbs and are 31 1/4 inches long. you are starting to look more like your daddy every day, and it's very clear to me now that you have his build. it's especially apparent now that we buzzed your head. you are TOO CUTE. i mean, so much cuteness should not be allowed. it nearly kills me on a daily basis.

you are saying "ball" and "hot" now. you babble so much and i am fairly certain we will have no trouble getting you to talk when the time comes. you walk up the stairs like a big boy, holding onto the wall for support. you walk downstairs as well, but not without the aide of my hand, so far.

you are such an easygoing kid, i can't believe how lucky i am. although, i would like to take just a tad bit of credit for that. ;) you have no attachment issues, you eat great, you love everyone, you sleep well, drive well. you and i went up to bottineau this past weekend to see daddy, and although it is a 4 1/2 hour drive with no stops, it was a 6 hour drive because we had to take a few breaks. you did not freak out once! you napped on and off, babbled to yourself, or just stared out the window. have i mentioned you are AWESOME?

this is by far my favorite phase of your life, and i am trying to enjoy it as much as i can before the tantrums and what not start. you are my little buddy and i enjoy you so much it's almost indescribable. you love to chase me around the island in the kitchen, and then collapse in laughter when you catch me. i nibble your knees and it elicits an adorable peal of giggles every time. you sit in my lap to read books, you hold my hand and pull me to the gate when you want to go out and play, and you rest your head on my shoulder and play with my hair several times a day when you want a snuggle break.

your brother is going to turn 8 in 10 short days, and it makes me sad that i missed out on seeing him do all of the adorable things you're doing, but it also makes me that much more grateful. i can't wait for the two of you to have a relationship as you get older, and see the two beautiful boys i've given birth to play together. i am so glad that he has been able to have the kind of life i'm now able to give to you. you are two very lucky little boys.

I LOVE YOU, MY SON.

love,

mama

14 months...

2009-08-04T17:31:00.000-07:00

i love this boy.

month 14!

2009-07-20T19:24:00.000-07:00

JaLu,

yes, i really do call you this sometimes, but only when i'm mocking celebrity monickers such as these.

you are no longer my sweet little baby boy, nosiree, you are on the fast train towards being a boy, and i love almost every moment of it. things i do not love: you drinking your milk and spitting and/or letting it run out of your mouth, down your chin, and all over your clothes. i don't know why, but this drives me CRAZY. also, pulling my hair, hitting me, and kicking me during your rare (so far) tantrums. i would list the fact that you love to throw your food all over the floor, and only eat half of your lunch and then insist on eating half of mine, but i'd like to keep the dislikes list to a minimum. and let's be honest, you're a 14-month-old, of course you do those things!

you are pretty much only walking these days, and are finally standing up on your own. i thought that would have come before you walked, but whatever. i don't really read up on that stuff because i figure you'll do it when you're good and ready. i loved what to expect the first year, and thought i'd be all into what to expect: the toddler years, but no so much. i'd rather just enjoy things as they come. =)

you and mommy went to chicago at the beginning of the month to say goodbye to great grandma. it's a good thing we went when we did because she passed 2 days after we left. we got a couple great pictures of the 3 of us, and you would give her a kiss on command each time i told you to. you're such a sweet boy, my little monkey. i have to admit, staying at someone else's house without the luxuries of home is tough. you handled it like a champ though and slept thru the night the whole time we were there. and of course, everyone was won over by your sparkling smile and good nature. you sure know how to make your mama proud.

the night we got back from chicago, we survived our first tornado. we were locked out of the house for 3 hours, and couldn't even get in with the help of a locksmith. luckily our friend who was taking care of lula while we were gone, called at just the right moment and we had enough time to get inside and give you a bath before heading to the basement. we hung out watching the storm for a while and then i decided it was time to retire to the bathroom when the power went out. ignorance was bliss since i had no idea what to expect, and maintained my composure throughout. you and i played in the bathtub, in between snuggles, and you eventually fell asleep on my chest. you never do that, so it was a special moment for me.

you have 8 teeth now, and are currently cutting some molars. you eat great for the most part, and drink your milk like a good boy. when you're not spitting it out that is. ;) you're still in your 18 month clothes, and seem to have stopped growing for the time being. all that walking around is slimming you down, but you've still got your chunkalicious thighs. nibble, nibble. mmmmm, yum.

you love playing with puzzles, and reading books. you enjoy exerting your strength at every opportunity. daddy and i can't believe how strong you are! you give hugs and kisses now, and when you hug, you repeatedly squeeze your little hand on the back of my neck. you're still sleeping thru the night, but seem to wake up on weekends when daddy is home. i'm sure it's because you don't want to miss a moment with him while he's here, and i don't blame you one bit!

i somehow manage to love you more with every moment that passes, and no one can melt my heart the way you do little man. thank you for being you.

love,

mama

look out chicago!

2009-06-30T13:55:00.000-07:00

me and the monkey are headed to chicago tomorrow to see my grandmother, probably for the last time. although the circumstances are not the best, i am glad to have a reason that i have to get my butt out there to see the fam. my parents are there as well, helping to take care of my grandma, so it's a bonus that we'll get to see them as well. pizza, portillo's, white castle, and steak n' shake...look out, i'm coming to eat you! YUM!

i'm also excited to spend the 4th of july there, as i used to visit every summer for the 4th of july when i was a teenager. i was back there a few years ago for the 4th, but because my friend had won an all expenses paid trip to see the police play at wrigley, so needless to say, i didn't get to see the fam then. although, as you can imagine, i wasn't all that disappointed given the situation.

i wish phil was coming along, but tickets were too expensive, and he shouldn't take anymore time off work considering it's only june and we've had 2 out of town weddings, 2 months out of work, and now a last minute trip to see my grandma. *sigh* hopefully one day he'll be able to come with and see where i hail from. also? sucks that he won't be able to see monkey enjoy fireworks for the first time, but i think we bought enough that when we get back we'll have loads of fun setting them off in the front yard. yay for living somewhere you can buy fireworks!!!

happy 4th everyone!

p.s. all well wishes in regards to flying alone with the monkey are greatly appreciated. i am dreading every moment. =)

month 13!

2009-06-18T17:38:00.001-07:00

hi boo bear,

this nickname is quite possibly the most annoying to date. no clue where it came from, but it's out of my mouth before i can stop it every time!

the most important thing i'd like to discuss with you this month, is that you are growing up entirely too quickly for my liking and i insist you stop it right now! with that said...

this month was a big one! we left for phoenix on may 30th, to go to your uncle g's wedding, and first thing the next day we had your 1st birthday party. most of your friends came and a good time was had by all. you had your first classic toilet paper moment, while i'm a bit ashamed to say, i had no idea where you were, nor was i paying any attention whatsoever. luckily, someone asked me where you were, and we found you in the bathroom surrounded by toilet paper.

you swam, you ate, and just before everyone left, we had cake. grandma and grandpa d got you your own little cake, and everyone else munched on cupcakes with monkeys. you had a blast eating it, and of course later ended up with an upset stomach. fun times.

the next 10 days were a whirlwind of eating, visiting friends, and lots and lots of driving. you did great, except for sleeping, and there were multiple times that i wanted to disown you. every night that your daddy and i went out, no matter what time we came home, you would wake up just as soon as we laid our heads down on the pillow. i finally decided that as soon as we got home, you were crying yourself to sleep no matter what. i had had ENOUGH.

the morning after we got home, i also decided to start weaning you. i figured the time was finally right...no more teeth coming in, daddy was home for a few more days, and i no longer had any reservations. we immediately cut out your two daytime feedings and you handled it like a champ. you started eating better, and you started sleeping thru the night. AMEN AND HALLELUJAH. this weekend when daddy comes home we're going to stop the morning feeding, and as long as mama keeps making milk i will only nurse you at night.

you and i will be going to chicago in a few weeks to visit my grandma. she was recently diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that has spread to her brain and we aren't sure how much longer she's going to make it. i swore that i would never fly alone with you again, but considering the circumstances i am making an acception. and i plan on being armed with ten million books, snacks, and a portable dvd player. the fact that i am even considering buying a portable dvd player to fly with a 13 month old should tell you a lot about your excellent behavior on airplanes.

as far as your development goes, you seem to have crossed over into toddlerhood. you started walking on june 1st, the last day we were in phoenix, and daddy and grandma and grandpa d were so glad to have witnessed it. you are clapping, and saying, "wow, woah, and oooh," and respond to certain questions, such as, "would you like some yogurt?" you are drinking milk, out of a 12 month sippy cup without handles, and whenever we go on walks, you always put it back in the cup holder in your stroller. you give hugs and kisses, and love to read books with mama.

you have also started throwing tantrums that make we want to screeeeeam, and i wonder why the hell no one ever warned me it begins this early! you also like to drink your milk at times, and spit it all over the place. this makes me crazier than any other thing you do. i HATE it. you, however, are obviously aware that i hate it and laugh like it's the funniest thing in the world. note to self: will have to practice reverse psychology on that one. you have also started hitting me, and while you don't do it often, you do it enough that i wonder how i will ever deal with your terrible two's and three's. one day at a time, i suppose.

you are handling daddy being gone much better after our trip to phoenix, and i am so relieved. it had an obvious effect on you the first couple of weeks, and sometimes you would wake up at night and we would both end up in tears. during the day i try to keep us busy, whether it be a trip to walmart, or a walk around the track at the community center, because you are always happier while outside or out and about.

people still continue to ask me whether you are always so happy, and to that i say, "boy, do you have them fooled." although you are mostly a happy boy, they have never seen your tantrums. but you still never fail to smile at anyone you walk by, and that is one of the things i love most about you. you are my little charmer, and you make me so proud every day.

love,

mama

good times.

2009-05-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

daddy is home for two weeks, we are heading to phoenix tonight for 10 days, having jacob's birthday party with all of his homies tomorrow, and a wedding for our BFF, g-man next weekend. lots of relaxation and tasty beverages to be had. woooooooooo-hooooooooo!

happy 1st birthday, my little monkey!

2009-05-18T08:17:00.001-07:00

my darling jacob,

you are 1 year old today, and even though i know this day has been coming for the past 364 days, i still can't quite believe it. it's been a rough month for us, your 12th month of life, and i wish i could write a post about all of the wonderful things you've been up to, but the truth is, daddy left to go work up north at the beginning of the month, and you got sick immediately afterwards.

at first i thought you just had a cold, and i let it go for almost a week. one day we were playing at grandma's and you got a raging fever out of nowhere. i called the doctor the next day, as your fever hadn't subsided all night, and they told me to keep you home unless a number of things happened. unfortunately, all of those things happened, and i had to take you in the next afternoon.

you had been burning up since the day before, and you were unlike i've ever seen you. you wanted nothing but to snuggle with mama, and you looked so sad and forlorn, i could hardly stand it. you whimpered, you cried if i even dared go to the bathroom without you, and i knew for sure that something was wrong. as sweet as you are, you are never content to lie on mama for any more than a millisecond.

the doctor concluded that you had a sinus infection, and because you had a red ring around your butt hole, and had been exposed to tonsillitis, that you had perianal strep. i tried to find information about it on the internet to no avail, but i put you on amoxycillan and hoped that you would be cured.

turns out you have an extreme sensitivity to antibiotics, and had diarrhea almost immediately after the first dose i gave you. by the 4th day, your butt was so red and raw that i could hardly wipe it, and i had to have changed your diaper no less than 25 times by afternoon. after another call to the doctor, we decided to stop the antibiotics and see how you were doing at your 1 year checkup.

although you are noticeably better today, you have pooped on your bedroom floor, in the bathtub, and again at your naked birthday picnic. i am trying to give you as much naked time to allow your butt to heal as possible, but cleaning up diarrhea on fabric surfaces is not my favorite thing to do. =)

since i can't give you birthday cake today, for fear it will upset your tummy even more, i decided what better way to celebrate your 1st birthday than with a naked picnic? this was a great idea, and you absolutely loved crawling around grandma's backyard naked as a jaybird. grandma m was nice enough to put together your cozy coupe we bought you for your big day and you rode around in that, played with your blocks, and even ate a few snackies.

since you've been out of commission, you haven't really tried the walking thing much, but i can say that you are looking more like a little boy every day, and acting like one, too. i am taking you for your first haircut on thursday, and i will be surprised if i don't cry once i see how grown up you look.

having you has made our lives so much better, monkas chunkas. we love you so much, and are thankful every day that you have made us a family. i couldn't ask for a better son, and i am truly blessed to be your mommy, my boy. i can't wait to see what you have in store for us now!

happy 1st birthday, jacob lucas.

i love you more than there are stars in the sky,

mama

my first mother's day

2009-05-10T09:26:00.001-07:00

i feel like the luckiest mama in the world today. i just keep looking at jacob and thanking him for finally making me a mama in the real sense of the word. phil has always been sweet, and acknowledged me on mother's day, because i did, in fact, give birth to another child, but it has always been a bittersweet day for me. he knew it was especially rough for me the first few years, so he would tell me happy mother's day, take me out to lunch, and make me feel special for the day. it was hard, because i felt like i was a mom, if only in the most technical sense. i made a child, brought him into the world, and needed to feel like i wasn't forgotten just because he wasn't with me anymore. phil was always sensitive to that and it just makes me love him all that much more.

it's so different now, because i'm a MOM mom. i feed him, i change his diapers, i wipe snot, clean up puke, bathe him, play, laugh, cuddle, and watch him grow on a daily basis. it makes me grateful that i made the choice i did, so that i get to fully experience motherhood the way it's meant to be experienced. i know if i had kept jacob's older brother that it wouldn't have been that way. and i am glad that i was wise enough to know that at the time. that what i would have been able to give him at the time would never compare to what she could give him. and i was absolutely right. she's amazing and i make sure to celebrate her every year. this year she sent me a mother's day card and a book on baby sign language to celebrate my first mother's day. it nearly brought me to tears.

so, in honor of today, i did the one thing i swore i would NEVER do for the first time ever, and hopefully, but not likely, the last. i licked my thumb and used it to wipe dried snot off of jacob's face. if that doesn't scream motherhood, i don't know what does.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

yeeeeeeeeeee-haw!

2009-05-07T08:46:00.000-07:00

good news! phil starts a new job on monday. the only catch is that it's about 4 1/2 hours north of here, so he will probably only be home on weekends. but, with things the way they are, i am just grateful that he found work again so soon. it will definitely be an adjustment for the monkey and i, and i HATE being alone, especially at night, but i'm hoping it won't be so bad after a little while.

i'm so glad all of that worrying was for naught! phil hates that i always expect the worse, but the way i look at it, if you always expect the worst you won't be disappointed when it happens, and you will be pleasantly surprised when it doesn't. sounds crazy, but it works for me. and i always know in the back of my mind that things will be okay. maybe not the way i plan them to be, but okay nonetheless.

these boots are made for walkin'...

2009-05-04T21:50:00.001-07:00

jacob,

today marks the day that i have decided to deem, "the day you took your first steps!" over the past few weeks you have been standing on your own. at first it was only for a couple of seconds, but as time goes by you stand for longer periods of time. within the last week you took a step, fell down, and crawled along on your merry way. today, however, you started taking 2, then 3 steps, until finally you took 5 whole steps! i am in no rush for you to be a walker, but i want you to know how very proud your daddy and i are. you continue to amaze me on a daily basis, little man.

smoochy mooch!

mama

bizarre?

2009-04-21T13:04:00.001-07:00

is it completely weird and pathetic that i cried this morning when i realized i got my period for the first time since before i got pregnant? or is it just completely weird and pathetic that i just told the internet?

month 11!

2009-04-18T14:40:00.001-07:00

jacob,

you are getting so ridiculously big, my boy. just in the past month you have started waving, standing on your own, climbing off of things, kissing like crazy, comprehending what i say to you and sometimes listening, but let's be honest, mostly not. you found your penis not too long ago, while in the tub, and haven't let it go since, and i must say, your father is proud. you even like to stand after your bath at various places in your room, and pee like a big boy. you love to open and close cabinets and drawers, and you love to take things out of drawers and then put them back in. i also forgot to mention that somewhere between 9 and 10 months, you finally started sitting.

you are getting more teeth, but alas, they are not your two front teeth. oh no, they are your bicuspids! you are going to look like a little vampire baby. i kinda like that you're different, but it freaked me out a bit at first. the funny thing is that i had no idea you were even getting teeth until one night after bathtime you leaned your head back and i saw that one was already popping out! i thought to myself that i had the bestest teething baby in the whole world, and then i slapped myself for thinking such a thing, when every other day since then has been not so awesome to say the least.

your auntie and future girlfriend, lil t, came out to visit at the beginning of the month and the two of you played so well, my uterus was begging to be inhabitated again. luckily your other auntie had her second little boy the other day and hearing about how that is going with an 18 month old has convinced me that's not such a good idea just yet! but did i mention how cute the two of you were? she was kissing and hugging you to pieces, and you would kiss her back, and i just melted every time. you had such a great time with your little buddy, and we even recorded the two of you taking a bath together, and kissing, so that we can blackmail and torture you in your teenage years.

you are eating a variety of foods now, although your appetite still surprises me in that it's not very big. maybe once you stop getting the boob? one more month, baby, one more month. *sigh* i am ready, but i am not ready to go through the process of doing it. i can't even bring myself to give up our early morning feeding, but that is mostly because i want to sleep later. but i think i am going to have to soon to make the transition easier later on. foods you are eating include lunch meat, cheese, chicken, pb & j, animal crackers, cheerios, pancakes, yogurt, fruit cups, mashed potatoes, fish, ground beef, and sometimes if you're feeling generous, veggies. sometimes we just give you whatever we're having if it's baby friendly, and sometimes we give you a gerber graduates meal. you absolutely love the gerber cheese puffs and you would eat an entire can in a sitting if i'd let you. gerber puffs? not so much anymore.

we are going to phoenix again at the end of may because your uncle g is getting married, and we are going to have your 1st birthday party while we're there. i am so excited that we get to have it there because all of your little friends can come. we are having invitations made that say, "our little monkey, jacob, is turning 1!" that have a little monkey on them with all the details for the party. we are going to bbq and swim, drink and have a great time. it will be perfect. your grandma m may even fly out if there's no work yet.

i have started to have to "discipline" you and i hate it. it makes me feel like the meanest mama in the world, and i hate the idea that you may think i'm mad at you. there is a baby gate up at the top of the stairs and you love to defy me by climbing up and standing on it. i have told you, "no thank you," countless times, tried using a stern voice, pulling you away and putting you elsewhere, and nothing distracts you from it. i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how taking care of a baby is the easy part, while raising a child is the hard part. i just hope you know that whatever i do or don't let you do is for your own good, and i am going to try my best to be the best mom i can be. i'm only human so i'm bound to screw up along the way, but hopefully the stuff i do right outweighs the wrong.

i love you.

mama

i'm trying!

2009-03-23T13:12:00.000-07:00

this keeping a positive outlook business is harder than it seems. i am relatively calm about the whole thing, but as my bank account keeps diminishing, and the checks stop coming, i have a harder time remembering that everything will work out. i know it will, but i just wish it would happen soon.

month 10!

2009-03-18T10:47:00.001-07:00

baby boy,

this month is going to be a bullet point list of all the things i can remember you doing over the past month. :)

- you are waving now. quite possibly the cutest thing EVER.

- getting you dressed and changing your diaper is like training for the WWF.

- you can now crawl down the stairs.

- your climbing prowess is growing at an alarming rate.

- you are becoming quite the snuggle bug.

- you LOVE playing with other kids, and i love watching.

- you got your first cold this month when we took you to phoenix.

- flying on an airplane alone with you is something i never want to do again!

- you are still waking up at night, and we are trying once again to break you of this habit.

- since you got sick, i do not even try to feed you baby food anymore.

- you like eating big people food, and the freedom of feeding yourself, but you don't eat much.

- you say, "dada" all day long. especially when i try to get you to say "mama." stinker.

- in 2 months, you are going to be 1. HOLY CRAP.

we love you the mostest.

mama

off to see the wizard...

2009-02-27T12:51:00.001-08:00

we are off to vegas in the morning and then heading to phoenix. let's hope we come home to a job!

joining the masses

2009-02-24T13:50:00.000-08:00

phil lost his job yesterday and friday will be his last day. we are fortunate enough to be in a position to survive for a short while, but would appreciate any prayers and good vibes you could send our way.

wedded bliss

2009-02-18T19:27:00.000-08:00

i stole this from dooce, it's different. so, in case you were ever wondering about phil & i, and our relationship, here are all of the gory details!

what are your middle names?

mine is ann (elizabeth if you count my confirmation name. i don't.) and his is jack.

how long did you know each other before you started dating?

we met while working at rockford fosgate when i was 19 (hmmm...that would be in 2000). he was dating my best friend from 5th grade whom i hadn't spoken to or seen since 5th grade, and i broke up with my current boyfriend at the time to date the guy who would later become my first son's "sperm donor," for lack of a better term. we both got fired, and kept in touch via e-mail until several years later where he sent me a survey and i responded asking him if he wanted to get together that night. that night was february 27, 2004, and in 8 days we will have been together for 5 years. to answer the actual question, about 3 1/2 years.

who asked whom out?

i totally got ahead of myself on that last question!

how old are each of you?

i just turned 28 and he is 34, about to turn 35 in june.

whose siblings do you see the most?

since i have no siblings, that would be his.

which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?

currently, although we have worked out most of the kinks, that would definitely have to be adjusting to being parents. nothing compared to the stress our relationship endured pre-baby and pre-marriage, but that i'd rather not discuss.

did you go to the same school?

not so much.

are you from the same home town?

nope. i was born in merrillville, in and lived there until i was 7. moved to california when i was 7 and then to phoenix, az when i was 10. was there until this past august. phil was born in garrison, nd, and lived in montana and wyoming before ending up in phoenix to go to devry.

who is smarter?

phil is by far the smartest. some may say he's a genius. i am highly intelligent, but i have to work for it, whereas he just gets it, whatever "it" may be. everyone says jacob is going to be, "smart like his daddy," and we find this to be hilarious.

who is the most sensitive?

that may or may not be me. i'll let you take a guess!

where do you eat out most as a couple?

the town we currently reside in does not offer much in the way of great restaurants. in phoenix, we definitely frequented jason's deli and los favoritos for good, cheap eats. when we wanted fancy it was always the melting pot.

where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?

from phoenix to north dakota.

who has the craziest exes?

phil has dated some weird chicks, in my opinion, but i have dated some crazy mofo's. i think this one goes to me.

who has the worst temper?

i am quicker to get angry, but when phil gets mad - which is not very often - he gets MAD.

who does the cooking?

we both do. i didn't really start cooking until about 2 years ago. we ate out a lot. now he usually cooks breakfast foods, and does the grilling. or if i don't feel like cooking, he'll take over.

who is the neat-freak?

me, by far.

who is more stubborn?

ha! again, me.

who wakes up earlier?

we pretty much get up at the same time now that we have a baby.

where was your first date?

we met at the vine tavern & grill, and then went to some shady bar to watch a band play.

who is more jealous?

neither of us has ever given the other reason to be jealous, but it would definitely be me if given a reason.

how long did it take to get serious?

a lot longer than my past relationships, but that was a good thing. we were together from the first night we went out, but it wasn't until we had been together for 6 months that we said i love you. although, i knew i loved him long before that.

who eats more?

i eat more often, he eats more food.

who does the laundry?

we each do our own. and not because i haven't offered to do his.

who's better with the computer?

i would say we are just about equal on this one. i just have less patience to figure shit out, so i let him.

who drives when you are together?

i do. he is considered legally blind. i have always been the driver, picking my friends up back in the day, driving all over god's creation, so this doesn't bother me a bit. i actually prefer it.

bad sign

2009-02-18T10:40:00.000-08:00

i am throwing a baby shower for a friend of mine in less than 3 weeks. 2 1/2 weeks ago, i ordered $100 worth of plates, napkins, and so forth which were to be the theme of the baby shower. i have now placed 3 phone calls, and sent 2 e-mails regarding the status of my order -which has not been received - and have gotten no response to either e-mail or to the 2 messages i've left. just now when i called, i was put on hold by a woman who then came back and told me if i gave her my name and phone number someone would call me back just as soon as possible.

i have a bad feeling about this.

month 9!

2009-02-18T09:36:00.001-08:00

bubba scoops,

i have absolutely no idea where this nickname came from, but i like it. sometimes i just call you bubbas (what i called your big brother when he was a baby), and sometimes i just call you scoops, or scoopers. don't ask. one day i will have to post the astounding number of names i have given you in your 9 months of life.

you are about to get your 2 front teeth, and to be honest, i wish they'd come in already. you have a fussy day, then a good one, then 2 fussy days, and then a good one. but i can't even see the damn things yet! i just hope they make their appearance before our trip in less than 2 weeks, because i want you to at least be in the comfort of your own home while you're enduring the discomfort. the doc says they're making their way out, but only time will tell when they'll come for sure.

you are now 23 lbs 9 oz, and 28.5 inches long. you are in the 90th percentile for weight and 70th for height. you are a healthy little boy, and i am thankful that you have not been sick yet. someone told me last week that since you hadn't been sick, i should go out and get you sick. this is probably one of the most ridiculous things i've heard yet, and i responded with, "you're right, i should take him to wal-mart right now and have him lick the floor!" great idea.

there is a random thing i thought about this month that i don't think i've mentioned before, but probably should. you do not take a pacifier. i think i have just one picture of you with one in your mouth, and honestly, i'm glad i don't have to break you of the habit. instead, you suck on your hand. your right hand to be exact, and that serves as your comfort. you also pull your hair with your left hand at the same time and i find this to be one of the most endearing things about you. except, of course, when you're eating and you end up with peaches in your hair. ;) i always know when you're hungry, or tired, or need some lovin' when you give me this signal.

while we're on the topic of peaches, they are your favorite food, along with strawberry pear granola. if i can't get you to eat anything else, these two foods you almost always scarf down with no trouble. you are certainly eating better than you were a few months ago, but you never eat more than two containers of 2nd foods in a day (and that is a good day!), and you gag if i even try to put vegetables near your mouth. you have tried some table food, cream cheese chicken, tuna mac salad, cheese, sloppy joes, yogurt, and cottage cheese, and cheese is by far your favorite. you are definitely my child.

your sleeping habits went from sleeping from 8 until 6, eating, and then sleeping until 7-7:30, to waking up at 2am, and now at 4am instead. daddy has been going into your room and cuddling you to get you to go back to sleep and although i think we should just let you cry in hopes that one day you will finally SLEEP THRU THE NIGHT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, daddy would rather snuggle you than let you cry. the doc says you should grow out of it, and that it is less of a reward than me feeding you, but i disagree. i think you get up just for the snuggles. and i suppose i can't say i blame you! mama loves her snuggles, too.

you love to play peek-a-boo with me, but we call it, "where's the monkey?" and then i peek at you and say, "there's the monkey!" this inevitably gets a smile from you every time. not that i ever have to try to get you to smile, because let me tell you, you are the smiliest baby on the face of the planet and I LOVE IT. no joke, not one person walks by anywhere at any time that you don't smile at. i get comments everywhere i go, and although i've mentioned it before, i just have to bring it up again because i can't believe i got so lucky. don't ever stop smiling, baby boy.

you are still cruising around like a madman, and are even climbing. i wish i could upload the picture of you standing on your bike to reach the 2nd shelf of the entertainment center, but unfortunately that picture is on my phone. i am always so worried about sending your grandma d her pic of the day that sometimes i don't get the really good ones on the actual camera. along with the cruising and climbing comes quite a few bumps and scratches, but most of the time they don't phase you. i have to stop myself several times a day from rushing to your aide because i think you've really gone and hurt yourself, and then you don't even cry!

you have all but refused to sit in the bathtub for the past month and it was starting to drive me crazy. however, the past few nights we have surrounded you with toys and you've managed to keep your butt in the water. this is a welcome change and i hope it sticks!

i've started reading to you more consistently lately, after bathtime, and right before bed, and you are responding moreso now than ever before. as soon as you hear me, you crawl right over to me from whatever object you were chewing on and smile up at me. i am so glad you finally enjoy having me read to you.

every day you are starting to look more like a little boy, and although it's hard to imagine you as anything other than a baby, i do get glimpses of what you might be like as a boy and i can't wait to see what kind of person you become. i have a feeling your smile will always be infectious and your personality one that draws people to you. you are so special, and i love you so very much.

love,

mama

snowed in

2009-02-10T12:29:00.001-08:00

we got A LOT of snow last night. so much so, that there is a car stuck in the middle of the street in front of my house right now. sucks to be that guy! i offered him a shovel, but he declined. =)

i don't know why, but for some reason the fact that i can't leave the house, is giving me serious cabin fever. i probably wouldn't have gone anywhere anyway, but not having the option is killing me. thankfully, my chunky monkey is in a good mood.

just wondering...why are babies and children in general always drawn to the really expensive things? jacob loves to suck on the bose and on phil's les paul. both of which cost over $1000. wtf?

this weekend we went to stay with phil's aunt and uncle in montana and we fed the monkey all kinds of new food. he had velveeta cheese, beef, and brown rice. and the poor kid grunted and groaned for 2 days trying to get the turds out. oops!

think i smell a poopy diaper.

everything you never knew you wanted to know...

2009-01-25T21:46:00.000-08:00

1. I am copying and pasting this from my facebook page.
2. I read magazines from front to back.
3. I am an only child.
4. Tomorrow is my 1 year wedding anniversary.
5. Tuesday is my 28th birthday. I feel old.
6. I am a vodka girl. I prefer Grey Goose. And I can drink A LOT.
7. I don't drink very often anymore. Babies make it less enjoyable.
8. I have another son that is 7 years old. He was adopted. It is an open adoption and I consider everyone involved truly blessed.
9. I have 7 best friends, not including my husband. I love them all equally and for different reasons. I'm a lucky girl!
10. I am a midwestern girl at heart, even though I haven't lived there since I was 7.
11. I love music. I wish I had more time to devote to it's enjoyment. Especially live music. *Sigh*
12. I love big words. And adjectives and alliteration.
13. My 2 favorite words are fuck and asinine. They are not big.
14. I want 1 more child. I hope it's a girl, but I will be just as happy if it's a boy. I am not sure the world needs a "mini-me."
15. I have always wanted to be an editor of a travel or food magazine. I am fairly certain that's never going to happen!
16. Being a mother to my little monkey has changed my life and made me a better, more patient person. Most of the time. ;)
17. I hated living in the desert and hope I never have to move back. But I like Phoenix itself.
18. There are so many places that I want to travel, but sadly, I don't think I will ever have the ability to do so financially.
19. I am a perfectionist. And also a procrastinator.
20. I do not want to be a perfect parent, just a good one.
21. I am loyal to a fault.
22. I can often be judgemental, but do not mean to be. And it is never with malicious intent.
23. I do not give my puppy enough love now that I have a baby and I feel terrible about it.
24. I hate hosting things. HATE. HATE. HATE. I don't even like people coming to my house. It gives me anxiety.
25. I shower in the nude.

yes we can!

2009-01-22T21:36:00.001-08:00

i know, i know...i'm totally late here, but hey! i still haven't posted my new year's post yet either, so whatever.

i finally had a moment (or 2) to watch the inauguration on youtube, and can i just say that i totally got chills? not exactly the way i planned on watching it, but it's better than not watching at all. and did i mention the chills?

for once, i can honestly say that i am proud to be an american.

go obama!

p.s. oh shit! i was baking cookies, and now they are burning!

in the past 12 hours...

2009-01-22T08:18:00.000-08:00

my son has managed to fall TWICE! and both times were, of course, my fault.

last night before bed, phil was throwing monkey in the air and catching him. i thought he was done and shut off the light just as he threw him into the air for the last time. he did not catch him.

this morning, while we were all playing in bed, jacob crawled over me and promptly flipped off the bed before i could get my hand out from under the covers to catch him.

is it bad that i just laugh at these things now???

=)

month 8!

2009-01-19T15:16:00.000-08:00

hi my chunker,

this month has been pretty low-key. i'm sure your cute little brain is developing at an astonishing rate, but i haven't really noticed many physical developments...especially compared to last month! you are standing in your crib now, which has presented a few obstacles when it comes to nap and bedtime, but you seem to be over the novelty for the most part, or at least at bedtime.

the first night that we decided to let you cry, again, so that i could get more rest, just so happened to be the night you also learned to stand in your crib! needless to say, i was having to come in and lie you down several times to get you to go to sleep and when you woke in the middle of the night for the first week, i had to get up anyway and come into your room, because you knew how to get up, but not down.

i would love to say that you are sleeping thru the night, but it's not true. you do some nights...so that's a plus, but not always. i am not feeding you, unless you wake up after 6am, and then i do and we go back to sleep for a little while. i'm not quite sure what it is that you want from me on the nights you do wake up, and there doesn't seem to be any pattern on the nights you do wake up versus those you don't, so i have no idea how to proceed. i guess we'll just take it one night at a time.

auntie c is getting married at the end of next month and we are taking you to vegas for a night. i was highly opposed to taking you for the 3 days she is going to be there, so we figured out an alternate plan. we fly to vegas the afternoon of the wedding, spend the night, and then drive back to phoenix with grandma and grandpa d for 10 days. daddy can only stay for the first 3 days, but i am co-hosting your auntie l's baby shower, which just so happens to be the following weekend, so we are going to stay a bit longer. it will work out perfectly for everyone and mommy will get to spend some time with her girls. YAY!

it would be nice if you gave up your nighttime wakings by then, but if not then we will deal with it. i'm afraid, however, that we will have to start over by the time we get home. i will just have to stand firm against feeding you to get you to go back to sleep, no matter how sad your cry is. luckily you will have your own room at grandma and grandpa's house so we won't bug each other too much. =)

you are starting to cruise a bit around the coffee table, and changing your diaper has become quite an ordeal. you've decided that you would rather lie any which way but on your back while i'm trying to change you, and it's a development i could do without. although totally expected. i suppose i should be thankful it took you this long to figure out you don't have to just lie there and take it.

you are indeed eating better, and sleeping better, as i had hoped for at the end of last month. all in all i'd say it's been a good month for us, kiddo. you continue to make me all mushy inside and i want nothing more than to wake up and see your smile every day. there is no other job i would rather do than being your mommy.

you rock.

mama

die storkcraft, die.

2009-01-14T08:57:00.000-08:00

i have hated my storkcraft crib from the moment phil put the damn thing together. almost immediately upon construction the drawer started falling out every time i opened it. we tried everything to rig it so it wouldn't, but even phil - who can fix anything - couldn't get it to work properly.

because it matched my other furniture, and i loved the set so much, i couldn't bear to find another one. it had been out-of-stock off and on practically the entire time i was pregnant and i literally checked the website every day. i wanted that damn crib. after the monk arrived, it was out-of-stock again for months, rendering us incapable of ordering a replacement.

once we arrived in north dakota, i contacted storkcraft (whose website you can only access if you type it directly into the web browser...?! when you search for storkcraft in any search engine, it takes you to retailers that sell it, but not the website itself) about sending me a new crib or new crib drawer. i explained my son had already arrived, was using the crib, and i needed an acceptable replacement sent immediately and upon receipt i would return the one we were using.

i thought this was a fair request considering the shoddy workmanship of their product and the inconvenience of it all. storkcraft, however, sent me an e-mail telling me that i needed to provide them with the model number, name of the item, country of origin (with "where it was made" in parenthesis...really? does the term "country of origin" not explain that clearly enough for some people?), the date of manufacture (followed by 4 different places this could be located), date of purchase, part code and full description of the parts i need, my phone number, and address.

i had already provided half of that information in the fucking subject line of the e-mail and another portion of it in the body of my e-mail. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! it has to be that complicated? now, i know storkcraft manufactures many different cribs, but come on.

needless to say, i decided fuck it. the drawer is a non-functional piece of shit, but i'll live. not only did i have no desire to gather all of that information, but i didn't want my poor husband to have to deal with putting together any more baby furniture. and don't even get me started on the ordeal that was the matching dresser.

so, this morning i get a phone call from my mom that there was a segment on the today show on a recall of storkcraft cribs. i check it out, and not only is there a recall on storkcraft cribs, there is a recall on EVERY SINGLE CRIB (about 500,000) manufactured between may 2000 and november 2008. all types of styles and finishes.

i am a newbie to this baby crap recall thing, but i find it a little disconcerting that they can't narrow it down a bit more. we can find the exact fucking cow that spreads mad cow disease, but we can't figure out which type/model of crib may have a defect that could cause the mattress board to fall and my child to get stuck between the mattress board and his mattress? awesome.

i hate you storkcraft.

one for the recordbooks...

2009-01-13T17:42:00.000-08:00

today, while i was pooping, my son crawled over to me with tears running down his face and lifted up his arms for me to pick him up. and i did. while i was pooping. i held my son while i sat on the toilet and pooped.

unbelievable!

2009-01-12T00:12:00.001-08:00

it is 1:15am and between the incessant wind and my son that will not stop crying despite several attempts over the last hour and a half to get him to do so, it looks like i'm not getting much sleep tonight.

fingers crossed

2009-01-09T15:44:00.000-08:00

life has been craaaaazy around here for the past few weeks. the folks arrived a few days before christmas, and then there was christmas and all of the requisite baking, eating, cooking, and eating that goes along with it. then before we knew it new years came along, and now here we are a week and a half later and i have no idea where the time went.

we battled the monk's sleep issues until the sunday after christmas and then i decided to cut out the middle of the night feedings and just do one before i went to bed at night. he still woke up and cried anywhere between 1-4 times a night though, and since the monk learned to stand in his crib a few days prior, i was still getting up to lie his little butt down every time. after a full week of this, i decided i had had enough and made up my mind to let him cry, and what do you know? he slept thru the night that night. and the night after and the night after that.

this is good, right? wrong. last night he woke up at 12:30 and whimpered on and off for almost an hour. phil went in and snuggled him for a little while, which maybe you're not supposed to do, but daddy needs his snuggles, so far be it from me to mess with a daddy's monkey lovin'. i thought he had gone back to sleep and 5 minutes later he was whimpering again. not quite sure what that was about and thankfully he did not at any time stand in his crib, but it sounded so sad that i had to continually remind myself that going in there was only going to get me right back where we were a few weeks ago.

he eventually went to sleep on his own, and didn't wake up again, but man did he get me up early and he has just been fussing at me ever since! his morning nap was only 45 minutes, and his afternoon nap was only 30. guess he's just having an off day or maybe he's getting to the point where he doesn't need as much sleep? i hope not, because i am not sure i'm ready for that stage quite yet!

well, i started writing this post days ago and never got around to finishing it. that night the monk slept great again and was an angel all day. there may or may not have been another day in between, but last night was torture! i am thinking maybe he had a tummy ache because he promptly puked on me and daddy 3 times this morning and then took the most solid poop i've ever seen come out of his butt. however, after a nap (for both of us), we are as good as new and feeling fine once again.

i really need to get out of the habit of taking naps in the morning because i feel so L-A-Z-Y. i blame my parents. the whole time they were here, it was, "why don't you and phil go out tonight, why don't you go to lunch with your friends, why don't you go take a nap?" it was so damn fabulous i wasn't sure i could ever allow them to go home. ;)

newayz, i must go save my son from pulling an amp down on his head now. oh, joy.

bang, bang

2009-01-05T16:18:00.000-08:00

i am tired of cleaning up dog puke, dog pee, and dog poop.

i am tired of waking up multiple times a night with a baby that should be sleeping thru the night by now.

i am just plain tired.

someone shoot me.

month 7!

2008-12-18T13:23:00.000-08:00

fattypants,

oh, where do i even begin? you are a completely different baby than you were a month ago. your curious, independent little spirit is so infectious. i have enjoyed these past few weeks so much, my monk. i tear up at least once a day because of my overwhelming love for you. and so much has happened this month! first off, you got your first tooth! it is the bottom front tooth on the left side. you have had a few days where it was obvious that it was bothering you, but aside from a little fussing here and there, you remained pretty pleasant. we got you some teething tablets, and i have been giving you those as needed. i sometimes put a little drop of whiskey on my finger and rub it on your gums and that seems to work really well! this is the same method my mom and grandma, and your aunties used, so i figured i'd give it a shot. and let me tell you, that mini bottle of jack daniel's is the reason for our next big milestone...

the night before last, baby boy, you crawled up grandma's stairs! whenever we are over there, you always scoot your adorable tushy over and push yourself up (pushing yourself up is another huge thing you learned to do this month!). you had been trying to lift your knee up but your pants were hindering your ability to do so, so grandma took them off to give you a little more freedom. as soon as she did, you crawled right up that first stair, stood up, and went up the next. we put the bottle of jd at the top and you made it up those stairs in no time! daddy and i were so excited and you were so proud of yourself.

and just last night, after crawling up the stairs again and while playing on the kitchen floor, you actually crawled! crawling up the stairs must have helped you to realize the proper hand motion to propel yourself forward because you were off and running! or crawling, i should say. ;) i can't believe that you are crawling at 7 months old. i predicted a few months back that you would be crawling soon, but i honestly didn't think it would be this soon... you just became mobile!

it has only been 1 month since you figured out how to scoot around, and that is part of what made this month so much fun. once you were able to get around by yourself a bit, you needed me to carry you around less, and entertaining you was no longer such a battle. i thought i would have a little bit more time before i spent my days supervising your every move, but apparently there is no rest for the weary! after the crawling episode, we sat down at the table to play some phase 10 and when i looked over to see what you were up to, you had crawled up 5 stairs and where turned around looking at us. i nearly had a heart attack and ran to the stairs where you promptly opened your little arms and fell into mine. please only do this when mama is nearby because i am not sure guardian angels can catch falling babies!!!

and speaking of rest and weariness, we need to have a little talk. mama needs some sleep. i'm talking preferably more than 4 consecutive hours of slumber, and you are not being very cooperative. you are waking me up every 3 hours to eat, so basically at 11:30, 2:30, and 5:30, and the other night, probably because your tooth was hurting you, you woke me up every hour!!! i feel like a freakin' all-you-can-eat buffet!!! the next day was a bit rough, and i have decided that operation: sleep thru the night shall commence here shortly. i didn't want to do it while grandma and grandpa d were visiting, but they come tomorrow and will be here for almost 3 weeks so they are insisting i go ahead. at least i won't be tired alone! MWAHAHA!

you love to stand, and you hate to sit. you will only do so in the bathtub, or at your musical jungle. also, you sat for our xmas pictures, and they are so dang adorable that i could care less if you ever sit again. wait, scratch that, i will probably be yelling, "i TOLD you to SIT DOWN! right this instant, young man!" sooner than i think. you are so intent on crawling and standing and go, go, going that sitting is the least of your concerns and i'm totally okay with that.

eating, on the other hand, has been a bit frustrating for us both. i want you to do it, and you have no interest in complying. this surprises me due to the fact that you are indeed, a fattypants. i thought for sure that as soon as we started feeding you baby food, you wouldn't be able to get enough. this could not be further from the truth! i am lucky if i get you to take 5 bites in one sitting, and that is on a good day. maybe you will be one of those babies that goes straight from boob to table food, who knows? i do tend to think that you would be a better eater and a better sleeper if you weren't getting up 3 times a night to nurse. we shall see if my theory holds true in the next month.

jacob, last year at this time, i was eagerly awaiting the ultrasound that wrongly told us you were a girl. i couldn't even imagine life a year from then, when i would have a 7 month old baby, and i am glad. because nothing i imagined could have ever compared to what life is really like with you here. you are my reason for living, baby boy. i live for your smile, your laugh, your hugs, and your smooches. thank you for choosing me to be your mama.

love always,
mama

long overdue

2008-12-09T11:29:00.000-08:00

because, as my buddy sara so kindly pointed out, i need more monkey up in this business! =)

aha!

2008-12-08T15:40:00.000-08:00

MEASURES up! that's what i was trying to say! wow.

weekend wrap-up

2008-12-08T10:55:00.000-08:00

what's up, peeps? i am taking a moment while my teething baby is napping to take a few deep breaths and de-stress. the poor monka monk is getting his first toofer and he is a little fussy. he has not been too bad until these last couple of days, so hopefully today or tomorrow the little bugger will pop thru already and leave my normally happy baby alone!

this weekend was pretty eventful, for me anyhow . started out friday night with twilight. can't say i really liked it. this could either be because it was not that great (my personal opinion), or because in my mind no matter how good i may think the movie is, if i see it after reading the book it never matches up. matches? is that the word i'm looking for? santa, for christmas i would really like my brain back. thanks, rach. but newayz! most of the character's were nothing like a pictured and the movie itself was really slow. again, maybe that is because i have already read the book, knew what was going to happen, and was anxious. what'd you think?

we did some shopping on saturday and i finally caved and forked over far too much cash for a winter coat. a winter coat that makes my hair stand on end. lovely. scotch guard here i come. we also went to a craft show and i got the monk a few toys from a place called discovery toys. they had some really cool stuff that i think the monk will like (he is finally starting to like toys, yay!) and i am sort of toying with the idea of becoming an independent consultant. not sure if that's my cup of tea, but i am going to mull it over. if nothing else, i could get some really original toys for the boy and his future sibling.

saturday night we ordered thai food and had game night at my place. mad gab, cranium family edition, and uno, or YOUKNOW! as my mother-in-law likes to say. =) we had lots of fun and i totally stunk everyone out of the room with my ass at one point. i don't know why, but pregnancy and nursing seem to affect my ass in ways that are just not human. TMI? i keep getting the visual of my mom-in-law covering her face with her shirt, and then peeking out for just one second to say, "WHERE ARE YOUR CANDLES?!" before stuffing it back in. the hilarity, it was almost too much.

sunday we had a nutritious breakfast of cheesy scrambled eggs, bacon, and buttery english muffins. nutrition was my middle name this weekend, folks. i may or may not have eaten my weight in food. it stands to reason that the week of thanksgiving i lose weight, and the week after i stuff myself incessantly. i was so damn hungry, i even took a pregnancy test. the third in the past 5 months, in fact. 'twas negative. thank god. we are (sort of) taking precaution against that but i am so fearful of getting knocked up again so soon that at the slightest hint of what could maybe be a pregnancy symptom (i totally just typed system), i pee on one of those bad boys just to ease my mind.

last night i made a memory book of jacob for my parents as a christmas gift (i really hope my mom doesn't read this), and it is so awesome, i am going to make one of my wedding pics. unfortunately, my wedding pics are formatted so that the heads are chopped off in a lot of them and so i need to find someone or somewhere to take the disc and have them fixed. =( i was hoping that uploading the pics to walmart.com would magically fix that issue since i have been avoiding dealing with it for the past 11 months, but alas, it did not.

today it is snowy and icy, and 11 degrees out so monk and i are just going to hang out with auntie and lu dog (who turns 3 today!). maybe if it clears up by tonight i will go to boot camp and sweat my ass - and all of those calories i consumed this weekend - off. luckily, since boot camp got cancelled on all but one wednesday of the month, WTF, i have an extra day before weigh in. think i'll go make some cookies!

hooray!

2008-12-06T15:35:00.001-08:00

my house got rented, my house got rented, my house got rented!!! is that even proper english? i don't even care...because my house got rented! oh, and did i mention that my house got rented!!!??? WOOT WOOT! happy dance, happy dance, happy dance, doooooin' the happy dance! HOORAY!

torn.

2008-11-30T15:10:00.000-08:00

it seems that i've created a monster. or maybe this is normal and i am just an inexperienced first time mother trying to find a solution to a problem that doesn't really exist. regardless, i know that i am tired. tired of waking up in the middle of the night, and tired of fighting my frustration at having to get up in the middle of the night. on one hand, i realize that jacob is almost solely breastfed and it can be normal for breastfed babies to continue nighttime feedings up until they are a year old. on the other hand, i have also read numerous articles that state a baby over 12 lbs and 4 months of age should be able to sleep thru the night.

i would follow my instincts on this one except that my instincts keep changing. as you can imagine, this just exacerbates the problem because i am not being consistent. when we originally made the choice to let him cry it out, he seemed to follow the normal pattern. the first night was the hardest, the second night was easier, and so on until he didn't wake up at all. but then he woke up again for some reason and i got up with him. then i decided one feeding in the early morning hours was no big deal. then the doctor told me that because he is breastfed it is possible that he is hungry and it is okay to feed him. and then he started getting up multiple times a night again. so now every night i have an internal battle between feeling like i should be feeding my hungry baby and feeling like i should break the cycle.

which leads me to last night when i decided that if nothing else, there is no reason he should be getting up three times and it was time we got back on track. he cried on and off for 2 hours - from 3:15am to 5:15am until i finally gave in and fed him. at first, he would quiet down when i went in to pat his back for a moment and make me think he had fallen back to sleep. then a few minutes later, just as i had fallen back asleep he would start crying again. so was he hungry? i don't know if it's that or if it's a habit and he knew i would come in eventually so he kept crying until i did.

the first night that i let him cry he only cried for an hour and then less each night following. why all of a sudden is he crying for so long? i don't go to him each time he cries so there isn't a pattern on my part as far as that goes, although there should be. either i go in and feed him or i don't. no more of this giving in one time but not another. i need to make up my mind and stick it out, i just can't decide what is right for us. but damn it, something needs to be done or i am going to lose my mind. this really doesn't need to be so difficult, but what if he really is hungry and i neglect to feed him? and how am i supposed to know if that is really the case?

to feed or not to feed. that is the question.

happy turkey day!

2008-11-26T20:04:00.000-08:00

i am thankful for so much this year...i am thankful for my son, i am thankful for my husband, i am thankful for wonderful friends and family some of whom i will share the day with for the first time. i am thankful for my beautiful home and all of the things that fill it. i am thankful for the shirt on my back and the food in my belly. i could go on and on...but i won't. ;)

i hope everyone else has endless things to be thankful for and y'all be safe tomorrow. eat lots of food, drink lots of tasty beverages, and spend some quality time with your loved ones.

gobble, gobble!

parental stupidity at it's best!

2008-11-24T20:24:00.000-08:00

last night i put the monk to bed and he cried for a few minutes like he always does before going to sleep and then quieted down. i thought everything was all dandy until 20 minutes later when i heard him screaming his little head off. i go into his room (THANK GOD), lift him out of his crib, and see that the sheets are covered in some liquid that cannot possibly be drool because there is far too much of it. just as i go to slide my hand over it (because apparently standing in the dark and running your hand over a strange substance is the best way to assess a situation rather than turning on a light and LOOKING at it), jacob leans back and projectile vomits all over me, 3 times. instead of being calm, turning the light on, and checking things out, i start to cry, scream for phil and proceed to wonder if my baby is dying and what is wrong and why is he puking and holy shit, that stinks! so phil comes in and takes the baby while i peel my lovely vomit (and i do mean vomit) soaked shirt off. as i'm in the bathroom, he brings a tag to me - a tag that came off of the carter's monkey i had hanging on the outside of his crib bar which earlier that day he figured out how to pull into the crib and i thought was the cutest thing ever when i found him chewing on it's leg after a nap. yes, i am now accepting awards for Mother of the Year. i am sure this will seem funny in a few years, not taking the tag off the damn monkey, but last night it was far from funny. especially since when we couldn't find the rest of the tag, we had to, or i should say, PHIL had to, stick his finger down his throat and get him to throw the rest of it up. my poor, poor son.

AND! last weekend we came home from somewhere - probably fucking wally world because i spend every godforsaken day there - and phil set the monk on the couch while i set my purse down on the counter. as soon as i realized he did that i ran to the couch as fast as i could just in time to see him FLIP off the couch and land in between the couch and coffee table nearly hitting his head on the table. it's one thing to know your baby has fallen, it is another thing entirely to witness it and not be able to do anything about it!!! needless to say, he survived, and had an itty bitty bruise on his leg the next day, but seriously? he is only 6 months old. i cannot imagine what else may be in store for this poor child. i am going to need therapy.

holy motherfucker.

2008-11-20T17:57:00.000-08:00

i had a salted caramel hot chocolate (plus espresso) today from starbuck's and while i will admit that it was indeed delicious, i just found out that it was 620 calories and 31 grams of fat! FOR SOME HOT CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!! what the fuck?!?! so not weight watchers friendly. wow. i guess i should've known something that tasty was not going to be good for me!

silly me!

2008-11-20T17:29:00.000-08:00

monkers,

i forgot to tell you that you are still getting up at night...i did, however, decide the day after your 5 month update that i couldn't handle getting up 3 times a night anymore. after doing some research, we chose to let you cry and the first night was absolute hell. i laid in bed listening to you cry for nearly an hour, feeling like my heart was being ripped to shreds, before i finally got up and read what to expect the first year by stove light to reassure myself that it was okay to let you cry and i wasn't being the most terrible, negligent mother in the world. it was rough. the next night you cried for a few minutes and that was it and then the night after you slept all the way through. sometime during the month you reverted to getting up at least once, usually between 4-6am and sometimes i would indulge you. when i talked to the doctor she told me you are a big boy and since you weren't eating much baby food and are a breastfed baby that it was possible that you really were hungry and it was okay to get up with you. so last night what did you do? you slept through the night! i don't hold much hope that this will stick, but i have a feeling now that you're eating more throughout the day that it will taper off soon enough.

also, auntie and i took you to bismarck today for some shopping and you were so good! you slept almost the entire way there and when you did wake up you just babbled and played with your toys until we got to our destination. you hung out in your stroller while we shopped and never made a peep, and then slept the entire way home. i actually had to wake you up when we got home! it was the most pleasant car ride we've taken yet.

right now you and daddy are playing and you are giggling your little butt off. daddy is bouncing you from side to side and lu dog is running in circles around you. you are cracking up! have i ever told you how happy your giggle makes me? because baby giggles should totally be bottled up and sold as anti-depressants. they are that good.

smooches!

mama

month 6!

2008-11-19T11:11:00.000-08:00

hi my handsome boy,

you had your 6 month check up today and you are now 20 lbs 13 oz and 27 inches long. in other words, you are a biiiig boy! we got the go ahead to start feeding you 3 times a day and to move on to the 2nd foods once you've tried all of the 1st foods. i think we have just a couple left to try so it won't be too long before you get to start eating the fruit combos (tasty!), and the meats (gross!). we also get to give you juice...yum! mommy is not very excited about this because feeding you is quite a process. i am going to be spending a good portion of my day cleaning up after your meals and messes stress me out. i am going to have to relinquish a bit of my ocd when it comes to that if i am going to survive the next few years.

i know i tell you that you're amazing every day, but i just can't get over it. you are rolling all over the place these days. sometimes across entire rooms, sometimes just back and forth, but you love this new freedom! you hold yourself up when standing against a table and are sitting up on your own for short bursts of time (max: 30 seconds). grandma and grandpa d bought you the fisher price musical jungle when they were here a few weeks ago and that has helped you a lot with the sitting and standing. we also bought you a walker to get you moving around a bit, and i will have to let you know how you like it next month because it hasn't arrived in the mail yet. as for the rest of your toys - well, like i said before, don't be surprised if you don't receive many in the future.

every morning you lie in bed with me and smile and babble away. this is the only time of day that you will just relax and i savor every moment. when you finally decide you've had enough relaxing i put you in your baby einstein exercauser, put your baby einstein baby neptune dvd on and do a little cleaning up in the kitchen, straighten out the couch cushions, have my chai tea, and listen to you play. 2 hours after you wake up you go down for a nap and i get to shower! you sleep anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours and then you wake up, eat, and we usually try to get out of the house for a bit. sometimes we go to lunch with grandma, auntie, or daddy, and sometimes we just go to wally world, which is your favorite place to be. after the next 2 hour round, you take another nap, i watch ellen, clean some more, and sometimes do a little bit of work. after your nap you eat again, we play, and then i take you for a walk if the weather allows. this schedule has been pretty consistent for the past few months.

you have started rolling your tongue and do so a lot throughout the day. it is adorable to listen to. you recently started trying to pull my necklace off and since daddy refuses to buy me another necklace from tiffany's if you break this one, i think i may have to stop wearing it for a while. you pull my hair. A LOT. and i would really appreciate it if you would stop because that shit hurts!

we are coming up on your first thanksgiving and christmas and i am very excited for us to be surrounded by so much family. grandma and grandpa d are coming for 2 1/2 weeks in december and will be spending christmas with us. it is going to be great. i haven't decided what to get you yet because you already get everything you need and a lot that you don't and i want to avoid spoiling you at such a young age. you will never remember the gifts you got and chances are you won't play with them anyway so i'm considering buying you baking sheet and a spatula and calling it good. if you're lucky maybe i'll get you a remote control of your very own!

i have been thinking a lot lately about how fast these past 6 months have gone and how fast the next 6 will pass as well. it is so fun to watch you learn every day, but i can't help wishing you would slow it down just a little. your brother is already 7 years old and i can't help thinking that one day i am going to blink and you will be too. please remember that no matter how old you are, no matter how you dress, or what you do, i will always love you and you will always be my baby boy. and i expect my fair share of smooches in return for all those i bestow upon you. and if you refuse, i will not hesitate to bust out the blackmail pictures. don't mess with your mama! ;)

p.s. your knee fat is delectable.

love,
mama

ramblings...

2008-11-14T20:33:00.000-08:00

this week has been kind of crazy. however, it was a welcome change from last week when i thought that a.) it would never end b.) i was the worst mom ever and c.) that i was going to have a nervous breakdown.

now don't get me wrong, i am thankful each and every day that i have the opportunity to stay home with my little monkey. i wouldn't trade it for the world, and on most days i look at his sweet smile and my heart overflows with love and gratitude. but i'll be honest - last week the only thing i was grateful for was naptime and bedtime.

it may have had something to do with the blizzard that kept us housebound for 3 days, but i think it had more to do with life finally settling down. this past year has been such a whirlwind for us - getting married, having jacob, our wedding reception, and then the cross-country move. i finally had the chance to sit back and realize that this is my life now. i am officially a stay-at-home mom to a demanding (almost) 6-month old that requires constant stimulation that i just don't know how to provide. and as any mom knows, some days are worse than others.

most days i cope and you would never know my day was anything other than great, but sometimes i just don't know what to do. i feel like there is something that i should be doing that i'm not and i don't know what it is. like i'm missing something and failing him as a parent. i know these are all normal feelings, but when it's 1pm and i still have 4 hours left to go until daddy gets home and i have exhausted all avenues of entertainment, i sometimes feel like i'm not cut out for this "mom" thing.

i miss my friends. i am sad that we all have or are having babies and that we are not raising them together. i don't regret my choice to move and had we stayed i never would have seen them anyway due to working a full time job and trying to maintain some semblence of a family life, but i had always envisioned us raising our children together and having family bbq's. i know we will make new friends here and that dull ache will eventually fade, but it is in full force at the moment.

i need to get out and meet other new moms. being a sahm is often a lonely, boring, and thankless job. i need to continue to get out on my own, feed my interests, and be myself outside the label of "mom" and "wife." i have no desire to be anything other than those things, but i cannot lose myself in these newfound roles so that there is nothing resembling the woman i was before. i am exercising, getting in shape, and enjoying every minute of it. i am forging new friendships and learning exactly how to be a mother and a wife, and i am making this new place my home. in reality, life is pretty great.

but i'm not going to lie, if you have any suggestions on how to keep the monkey entertained, i am more than willing to lick your nipples for that information. ;)

i need a vacation

2008-11-06T12:48:00.001-08:00

most days i love staying home with the monk...

today is not one of those days.

pooptacular!

2008-10-30T11:02:00.000-07:00

yesterday morning when the monk woke up i brought him into bed for his morning feeding and playtime like i do every day. after i fed him he made his poop face so i took him into his room, set him on his changing table and proceeded to take his pj's off to change him. these are the pj's, and i think any mom will agree here, that absolutely SUCK to put on and take off. they have a zipper that goes diagonally up one entire leg and all the way up the body, but require you to turn your infant into a pretzel and stuff the entire other leg in them. they are a PAIN IN THE ASS. to those of you who do not have a 20-some pound 5 month old, then maybe this is not an issue and for that i say, "you suck." unfortunately, i cannot seem to escape them so i deal. but i digress. as i'm pushing his pj's up in the back, my hand sliiiiiides all the way up his back and comes out covered in poop. this is just one of those things that i have to share...not so much so that it happened, but that i actually stopped to take a picture with my camera phone before washing it off! and then proceeded to text to every mom i know.

beats going to the office any day. =)

better late than never!

2008-10-24T22:27:00.001-07:00

finally! i wasn't really tagged, but i said i'd do it so here goes...

Favorite TV Shows:

1. Ellen
2. The Cleaner
3. Family Guy
4. Intervention

Least Favorite Shows:
REALITY TV

Favorite Restaurants:
1. The Melting Pot
2. Jason's Deli
3. Macayo's
4. McDonald's

Least Favorite Restaurants:
1. Burger King
2. I
3. LOVE
4. FOOD

Things that happened yesterday:
1. Woke up
2. Showered
3. Took care of the monk
4. Went to grandma's

I lead a pretty damn exciting life, don't I???

Things I am looking forward to:
1. VOTING!
2. My parent's arrival
3. Craft fair tomorrow
4. "Adult time"

Things I am not looking forward to:
1. Negative temperatures
2. Being stuck in the house all day with a baby
3. Wearing 10 layers of clothing
4. Paying my mortgages

Things I love about fall:
1. Fall? Have I mentioned I'm from Phoenix???

Things I don't love about fall:
NOTHING!!!

Things on my wish list:
1. To raise a healthy, happy son
2. To reach my goal weight
3. For a certain presidential candidate to win the election
4. World Peace

Things I don't wish for:
1. For a certain presidential candidate to win the election
2. Ringworm
3. The monkey to grow up too fast
4. A mustache

People I am tagging
1. YOU!

snake update 2008

2008-10-21T09:04:00.000-07:00

first of all, i stand corrected, it is a SUMP pump, not a sub pump. but whatever! all i know is it's a hole in the furnace room of our basement where water will drain should it ever flood. however, hiss did not go down the sump pump hole, OH NO, he slithered his way up into the rafters of the furnace room and curled up all nice and cozy around the hot water pipe. needless to say, all is well again, he is safely contained inside his tank, and i can sleep better knowing he is not running amuck somewhere in my house. and i am so damn glad that phil decided to check up there just in case. because seriously? if i'd have known he was not underground somewhere and rather chillin' in the rafters...i would have moved!

tonight...

2008-10-20T19:57:00.001-07:00

we realized that the husband's 6 foot boa, sir hiss - or hisssssterectomy - as i liked to call him, is missing. as sad as i am for the hub i am secretly (or not so secretly once he reads this) hoping and praying that he did indeed crawl down into the sub pump and disappear into the sewer. even though every square inch, nook and cranny has been searched, i am still not 100% convinced i am not going to find him slithering around at some point.

*shiver*

month 5!

2008-10-18T12:55:00.000-07:00

chunky monkey,

holy crap! you're 5 months old! that means that in 1 more month you will be 6 months old and then i think it's all downhill from there. you are getting bigger by the day, my baby boy, and i am not sure how well i am going to be able to cope with this. on one hand, i am so proud of you. you are absolutely amazing and your growth and development continues to astound me, but on the other hand, i can't help thinking that you aren't going to be my little baby for much longer. i know that sounds dramatic, being that you're only 5 months old, but what can i say? i am a bit dramatic at times. which you'll soon find out and then you and daddy can make fun of mama together. ;)

it was a couple of weeks after the first time you rolled over before you rolled over again, but now i can't set you on your belly without you rolling over. your favorite thing to do is roll halfway over and look around like, "hey ma! look what i can do." it is adorable. next step...sitting up!

i am probably going to jinx myself by saying this, but you have stopped squealing and boy am i happy about that! i mean, it was cute the first few times, but i was afraid it was going to become a habit that was only going to get worse. i am slightly relieved that you seem satisfied knowing that you can use your voice and that you now choose to do so quietly.

we have started giving you a little bit of solid food. for a little while, i would let you taste certain things...a piece of bacon, a french fry, ice cream, but that seemed to get a little out of hand, and i didn't want it to become a habit that everyone thought was okay. although i'm sure you would live if i continued to allow you to try that stuff, i don't want to upset your sensitive tummy, nor do i want you to choke, or end up overweight, so i decided that we would only give you baby food...rice cereal, veggies, or fruit. but don't worry, just as soon as you can start eating that stuff, grandma m will be right there feeding you! she is a bit obsessed. so don't worry, my little monkey, she's there for you. =)

the reason i said that i was afraid of jinxing myself as far as the squealing was concerned, is because as soon as i told people you were sleeping thru the night, you stopped. not only did you stop, but you started getting up TWICE a night again. and more recently, over the past few days, you have started getting up THREE times. THREE TIMES, MONKEY! at 11pm, 2pm, and 5pm. whew! you don't get up for long, and you just eat a little and pass right back out, but there's really no reason for it. i had daddy rock you to sleep without the boob once and it took you 20 minutes of crying to do so. not so bad, but i just find it easier to feed you than to let you cry. it may only take a few times of letting you cry to break you of it, but you did wake up again 2 hours later wanting to eat again anyway. it's not too big of a deal to me at this point, so we'll see what i decide to do about that.

i think another reason i don't mind getting up with you is that i have become very, very attached to nursing you. i am so sad just thinking about the time that you don't or won't need my boob anymore. it is a special time for us and something that only i can do with you and i am going to have a hard time giving that up. i guess it will be my first lesson in learning to let go. even when i am away from you for an hour i start to feel a little empty, like something is missing. don't get me wrong, i need time to myself and i love being able to take an hour or so here and there, but it never feels quite right. i don't even know what i would do with myself if i couldn't stay at home with you. daddy has created a monster.

i am not sure how much you weigh since you didn't have a doctor's appointment this month, but i can tell you that you are wearing some 12 month clothes and will not fit in your snugli for much longer. that is a shame, but i think we can hold off for another month when you will be sitting up on your own. then you can sit in the grocery cart, and will hopefully be more content to sit on the floor and play with your toys. we will see!

keep smiling, my beautiful boy. it makes my day.

love,
mama

it was NOT happening if you ask me...

2008-10-08T20:12:00.000-07:00

dear m. night shamomalomanon,

please stop making movies. signs was good. the sixth sense was awesome. the village? please. and the happening? AWFUL!!! no, not just awful. FUCKING AWFUL. whatever it is that goes on in that head of yours...well, i hate to break it to you, but you're the only one that gets it. and was it really necessary to make mark wahlberg talk like a big pansy ass? i will never watch another of your crappy movies again.

also, you suck.

regards,
me

p.s. and what kind of name is m. anyway??? get a real name, loser!!!!!

month 4!

2008-09-23T17:28:00.000-07:00

hi monka,

i am quickly running out of variations of the name monkey. i guess once i run out i will have to call you by your name? imagine that!

oddly enough, your nickname suits you perfectly because you are in fact a monkey. you like to hang upside down, sit on your daddy's shoulders, and hang over his back. when i tip you backwards off the couch you giggle every time. and speaking of giggling, you do so much more often and have also started squealing like crazy. sometimes these squeals of yours are not so cute. in fact, they are often ear shattering. and on top of that they can sometimes be filled with what i can only imagine is a small fraction of what your teenage attitude will be like. assuming you take after me, of course. ;)

monk, you are the only child i know that appears tortured by their toys. it is getting a little out of hand. grandma and grandpa d came for a visit a few weekends ago and while at sam's club we found you a baby einstein walker. we sat you in it in the middle of the store and you loved it. sometimes when i put you in it at home you scream like crazy and i can't figure out what the problem is. i lie you on the floor surrounded by toys and you end up crying each time. i am going to continue trying, but if you grow up and wonder why you never received toys as a small child this is the reason why. waste. of. money.

i would have written this on your actual birthday but your 4 month check up wasn't until yesterday so i waited so that i'd be able to post your newest height and weight. you are now 18 lbs, 10 oz and 25 1/2 inches long. i can't believe i ever worried about your weight because you are a champion eater and you can certainly tell by the size of your thighs. they are very chunkalicious indeed. as is the rest of you, my darling boy. i know everyone thinks their baby is the cutest baby alive, but you really are. i have no doubt what a handsome man you will be. hopefully you get over your desire to cry so often though because chicks don't dig whiners.

truthfully, you don't really cry that often unless you are waking up from a nap and are hungry, tired, or overstimulated. you are quite demanding though and if you don't like something you make sure to let me know. you love to observe...to walk around and take in the scenery and people around you. you smile for anyone who talks to you and are most content when in the snugli attached to mama.

we got your fat butt a new car seat last week and miraculously i think the endless screaming jags while in the car are over. i am crossing my fingers, legs, arms, and toes right now though because chances are as soon as i put that in print i will have jinxed myself.

MONKEY! guess what else happened?!?! on your 4 month birthday you rolled over! twice! and your papa and i missed it both times. you little stinker, i swear you did that on purpose and i can't coax you to do it again while i'm watching. you are scooting such far distances and so quickly now that i don't doubt you'll be crawling within a couple of months.

the doctor also told me yesterday that i can go ahead and start you on foods...rice cereal, veggies, and fruits. even though she said you will still nurse as much and it will probably cease your middle of the night feedings that you've unfortunately picked up again, i don't know that i'm ready quite yet. i think you are, but it's hard to explain the satisfaction i get knowing that all of your most chunky parts are due to me and the boob juice i provide for you. feeding time is also the one special time we share that no one else can partake in. and although at one time i found that slightly frustrating, now i love it. but, like i said, i think you are ready...you seem ready for a lot of things i'm not quite ready for. such is the life of a mom, i suppose.

you fell off the bed this month, monk. this is actually the 2nd time, but the 1st was daddy's fault and this was all mine. i cried and shook so hard that i could hardly breathe for an hour afterwards. thank god daddy was home because i did not handle it well. i do hope that when daddy is not home, i find a way to deal with situations like that more calmly. needless to say, you are fine, and i am fine and i can't believe how resilient you are. thank god you are okay, and please forgive me.

this month i have realized how truly blessed i am to be able to stay home with you. i enjoy our time together more and more each day and i am so glad i am the one that gets to be with you day in and day out to watch you grow. your daddy is the best and i am so thankful that he is doing this for us.

you amaze me more each day. but do me a favor? please stop growing up so fast. it makes my heart hurt. and i will try to never take one kiss, one nibble, one squeeze, or one smile for granted.

love,

mama

adventures in stay-at-home motherhood

2008-09-03T22:05:00.000-07:00

oooooh buddy, was yesterday a fun day. since we've moved to north dakoooooota (i am already thinking with a north dakota accent. hopefully i will not start speaking with a north dakota accent) the monkey's papa has pretty much been around every day. yesterday was the first day he actually went to work for a full day so my new life as a stay-at-home mom officially began. it started out great, with the monkey smiling, screaching, and talking his butt off like usual. then the pooping began. and continued throughout the entire day. while i was feeding i felt and heard him take a huge poop so i finished feeding him and as soon as i sat him up to burp him i saw the poop. all over his back and all over the boppy. i immediately threw the boppy cover in hot water with some oxi clean laundry spray (best stuff ever!) and proceeded to clean the monk and attempt to clean the poop off the pillow itself. with my mission accomplished we went about our day as usual, had lunch with daddy and auntie and then came home. i decided a walk would be nice so i put the monk in his stroller and set off down the street. or i should say, UP the street as there were hills. in both directions. which is good for butt, but not so easy when your baby starts screaming bloody murder and you are trying to carry the baby and push the stroller uphill at the same time. when we got close enough to the house that i felt comfortable letting the boy scream the rest of the way, i plopped him back in the stroller and off we went. since we were so close, i figured there was no reason why he needed to be strapped into the stroller. i thought wrong. we made it home, i pushed him into the garage and just as i walked around to the front of the stroller, he comes sliding out the bottom just in time for me to catch him. note to self: never put baby in stroller unstrapped again. but don't worry, i was punished when i decided not to go to sleep until 1am and then heard the monk crying before i ever fell asleep. and then was woken up again at 3:30, 5:30, and finally for good at 7:30. needless to say, it's been a rough day! i'm hoping that he gets adjusted to his new home soon because i am not ready to revert back to the old days of waking every couple of hours.

in other news, i joined weight watchers today. and i start dance lessons on friday. in which i am supposed to wear a leotard. HA! and then i have the alzheimer's walk on saturday and mma fight on sunday. you could say i kind of love it here.

the end.

and so it begins...

2008-08-26T19:24:00.001-07:00

goodbye, AZ...hello, ND.

yesssssssssss!

2008-08-20T10:02:00.000-07:00

the monkey is 13 weeks and 3 days old today and last night he officially slept through the night. he fell asleep at 9:45pm and woke up at 7:45am this morning. now if only i could sleep continuously throughout the night we'd all be that well rested.

month 3!

2008-08-18T16:28:00.000-07:00

my darling boy,

mama cannot believe that you are 3 months old already. it feels like just yesterday that we brought you home. now all of a sudden you are a little person, no longer the little baby blob you were only a few short weeks ago.

your personality has really come out this month, monk. your smiles light up the room. you're talking up a storm and your giggles are the best thing i've ever heard. just this past week you said "mom" and "yeah." i'm not counting them as your first words because you had no idea what you were saying, but you really did and i am so proud of you! it's amazing how much your baby vocabulary has changed this month. i just love our little chats....they are my favorite part of our days together. well that and when you're my little snuggle bug. i can't get enough snuggles!

your grandma d is your favorite person at the moment. as soon as you see her and she talks to you or smiles at you, you grin from ear to ear. she dances around her living room with you singing and rocking you and you just love it! her and grandpa are really going to miss you when we move next week. they have been such a big help to daddy and i since you were born. it is going to be hard to leave them.

you are sleeping "thru the night" now. you usually fall asleep by 9:30 and then sleep until 4am (although once or twice you have slept until 5 or 6am) and again until between 8 and 9. mama is a much happy camper now that she is getting a little more rest. i have a lot more patience when you get fussy. also - one night just before you turned 10 weeks old - daddy tried to put you in your crib and i wasn't ready. the next night i was and you have slept in your crib every night since. for the first few nights i would bring you back to our room and put you in your bassinet, but then i decided we might all sleep a little better if i left you in your crib. i was right.

your changing table is your favorite place, you little weirdo. you smile, laugh, kick your little legs, and talk to me more when you're lying down on that thing than any other time. i hope you continue to be a good boy while you're getting your diaper changed because it makes changing you much easier!

we left you with grandpa and grandpa d last night while we went to the melting pot (YUM!) and you refused to take a bottle. it has been a month since you last had one and i hadn't even thought you might refuse because you were so good on the bottle in your early days before we kicked breastfeedings ass. i guess you're officially a boob boy now. but, since me and daddy are going to see tom petty on wednesday we had to find a solution to that dilemma. we went and got you the first years breastflow bottle today and daddy is trying to feed you right now. i don't hear you screaming and sputtering so that is a good sign. i am not missing tom petty. not even for you my little munchkin. ;)

let's see...you love baby einstein videos, but still hate your swing. you now have to face forward in your snugli or you won't have it. we can sit you in the bumbo and you will chew on your teething towel for a few minutes without getting cranky. you have a jumpy swing that we hang in the doorway and you like to play in that. you have even fallen asleep in there a few times. aside from that you still prefer human interaction. mama has her work cut out for her in the entertainment department. and you still abhor your car seat - much to our dismay.

when we play with you we often lie you flat on your back, let you grab our fingers, and tell you to sit up. and you know what, monk? you do! you get the cutest little look on your face, like you're about to take a big poop, make a little "o" with your mouth, and you lift your little head and back up off the bed. you are so smart. and the best news of all is that you almost rolled over today!

you are so strong, and so smart, and it is so much fun to watch you grow. mommy and daddy love you more than anything, baby boy.

xoxox,
mama

***update: at your 3 month check up today you weighed 17 lbs 3.5 oz. you are one chunky monkey for sure!

consumerism at it's best

2008-08-10T23:11:00.000-07:00

since february, we have purchased the following:

-new car
-new living room furniture
-new camera
-new tv
-new bose system
-new cell phones
-new computer
-new camcorder

say it with me people, "RIDICULOUS!!!"

i bitched and moaned and flat out refused to spend my economic stimulus check, of which i only got $300, WTF?!, on stimulating the economy and although i didn't spend that money on stimulating the economy...i seem to be spending every other red cent i have on stimulating it!!!

you just watch, i paid off all my damn credit cards before the monk, and now i've jinxed myself by thinking i could afford all of that crap. the next thing you know i'm going to be all knocked up again and selling it all on ebay.

pray for me. or provide me with the winning powerball numbers. preferably the latter.

things i love:

2008-08-04T17:40:00.000-07:00

-the monkey sleeping from 10pm to 5am

-when the daddy tells me i'm the best mommy ever

-my new tv

=)

funny story

2008-08-03T12:34:00.000-07:00

we gave the monk a bath the other night, and since he loves to be naked, when we were done we laid him down on a blanket and played with him for a little while. i was sitting cross-legged in front of him, so i made sure to request that he not pee on me. i figured since i am the mama and i provide the boob, that he would grant my request, but not so much. about 5 minutes after being naked a fountain of pee made it's way all over the crotch of my pants making it look like i was the one that had peed myself! the daddy and i just sat there watching it happen and neither of us made any effort to stop it until it was far too late. it not only soaked my pants, but my shirt, and undies as well! fun times.

today was a good day.

2008-08-02T21:37:00.000-07:00

when i woke up this morning the first thing i thought was, "i HAVE to get out of this house today." our 2nd car broke down a few weeks ago and since we were planning on giving it to my parents when we moved anyway, we haven't bothered fixing it. this means that we are down to one car and i am stuck at home on the days monkey's daddy goes to work. it's not so bad for a day or two, or when my peeps come to visit me, but after a few days of just me and the monk, stuck in the house because it's too damn hot to go outside, i was about to lose my mind. even moreso when i realized that my better half (who am i kidding? i am TOTALLY the better half) took the car seat with him to work. i went to my parent's house to express my anguish over this unfortunate predicament and my dad, being the cool guy he is, went to his neighbor's house -whom he had never met before - introduced himself, and asked to borrow a car seat. not only did his nice neighbor say yes, he actually went and picked it up from another friend who had borrowed it and then told us to keep it as long as we needed. is that not the nicest thing ever???

needless to say, i have never been so happy to spend almost 2 hours in sam's club in my life. i happily traipsed around sampling a variety of tasty treats and purchasing clothes for the monk. why i am buying 12 and 18 month clothes already is beyond me, but i just can't help myself. especially not when i get an entire carter's outfit, pants and long-sleeved onesie, for under $7.00. in case you were unaware, it gets cooooooooold in north dakota.

speaking of which, as of monday, we only have 3 weeks left in this godforsaken desert and let me be the first to say, AMEN and HALLELUJAH!!! we walked to my parent's house (again, i know, but they only live a block away and they were feeding me...haha!) tonight and the wind was blowing. not the most pleasant feeling when it's 112 degrees outside and you feel like you're walking into a blow dryer. it may be cold in north dakota, but at least i can cuddle up on the couch with my boys, sip hot chocolate, and wear comfy pj's, whereas here it hardly gets cold enough to warrant putting the heat on. i am looking forward to having seasons again, and grass. green, green grass. woo hoo!

now i just need to finish packing...

whew

2008-07-31T22:09:00.000-07:00

today has not been the greatest day. it started out with me giving the monkey a boo boo while taking him out of the stroller and ended with a lot of frustration and a pounding headache. being a mom is wonderful, but some days it's so hard. it doesn't help that along with trying to take care of the monkey, i am about to move cross-country and have ten million things to do before we go. i am so excited but even though everything seems to be in place at last (we do definitely have a place to live, thank goodness), i think it's impossible to move without getting stressed out. hopefully tonight i will get some rest and tomorrow i will feel like myself again. wish me luck.

month 2!

2008-07-24T21:10:00.001-07:00

monk-a-monk,

i love you so much my sweet monkey. there are so many things that i wanted to write about this month, and i told myself i should write them down and never did. i will have to rectify that in the future.

you are smiling now, and cooing, and you even giggled once. your favorite time is right after you wake up for your morning feeding and right before your morning nap. you are so smiley and sweet that i just want to eat you up. i give your belly kisses and talk to you and you just light up. i'm not gonna lie, it makes my heart melt a little.

days with you have become more predictable, thank goodness. no more growth spurts that make me question my milk supply, or whether breastfeeding is going to work. it's working splendidly and i am even considering doing it for the first year instead of only the first six months. who'd have thought? we will see how you feel about that when the time comes.

there was a week or so when you decided your bedtime was going to get progressively later and i had to put an end to that. i didn't let you nap after 4pm, except for maybe 30 minutes, and finally got you to bed before 11. now you seem to do so by yourself and that's nice. things have been kind of crazy this past week because we had our wedding reception last weekend, but you've still gone to sleep at a reasonable hour even with all of the commotion.

mommy's whole family came to the reception and you were a big hit. you met your great aunties, your great grandma, and a few cousins. when you were 5 weeks old we took you to north dakota and you met your other grandma and grandpa's, some cousins, your uncle, and great aunties as well. i started writing a post about our trip but i never got around to finishing it.

the trip to north dakota was great...you slept the whole flight and 4 hour drive there. the week was a little rough at some points, but you were a trooper for the most part. at one point we thought that your daddy wouldn't be able to work there after all, but thankfully he will be, and we leave in 4 and a half weeks. you also slept the whole 4 hour drive and flight back. go monkey!

you took so many road trips while we were in north dakota that you now hate the car. you scream like someone is torturing your poor monkey butt, and the only thing that calms you even slightly is to rock the car seat side to side. i'm hoping this ends soon for obvious reasons.

you are still a great eater, and at your 2 month check up you had doubled your weight since birth. you have the most delicious thighs. and cheeks. and toes and fingers and hands and feet and ears and elbows and knees. =)

you are such a good baby and i love having you in my life. keep up the good work, son. ;)

lots of love,
mama

not okay!

2008-07-13T16:15:00.001-07:00

tori spelling also calls her son monkey.

month 1!

2008-06-18T16:06:00.001-07:00

monkey monk,

you are 1 month old today and mommy can hardly believe it! today is also daddy's birthday so we had your 1 month checkup at the doc and then we went and had lunch. you weigh 10 lbs 14 oz, monk, that is 3 lbs more than you weighed at birth..you are such a good eater! you are 21 inches long now and you got your 2nd hepatitis b shot. you cried for a few seconds, but that was it. i think the bugs bunny band-aid made it all better. :)

i think daddy and i lucked out in the baby department. you are such a good boy and have only had 1 or 2 days where you were extremely fussy for any given period of time. last night was the worst and i didn't know what to do for you. we tried everything, and you just wouldn't relax. after a little while i gave you the boob again and all was well. go figure, the first time i don't try to stop your crying with the boob, is the one time you want the boob. silly mama!

you don't like your toys, and you don't like tummy time. but you sure do like to be carried around and have your back rubbed. and car rides, of course. we bought you a vibrating seat the other day, and i think you will like it. so far it has gotten the best response of all, but you still prefer lovin' from the mama and papa and that is okay by me!

i realized the other day that i hardly remember the last month. we've done so much, and so much has happened, but it's a big blur. this month i am going to try to savor every moment with you because i know you are only going to be little for so long. you are already so strong...you hold your head up and everyone comments what great neck strength you have. the lactation consultant calls you "the baby with a mind of his own" and i know that sooner than i think you will be all grown up and i will want these months back.

you are taking your first airplane trip on friday to go visit your grandma and auntie in north dakota. daddy is going to interview for a job and we are going to check out the town that we will hopefully be moving to in a few months. i'm a little nervous about taking you on an airplane, but i'm sure everything will be fine.

my sweet boy, you have peed on me, pooped on me, and spit up on me countless times now (well, really just the spitting up), and it doesn't even phase me. you light up our life, and it's amazing to me just how much love i have for you. it fills up my heart so much, that sometimes i think it might explode. i love you so, so much and i can't wait to continue to watch and you learn and grow. thank you for making our family complete. we love you.

love,
mama

boob juice

2008-06-04T12:38:00.001-07:00

so no one told me that breastfeeding was not as easy as it sounds. or if they did, i did not hear them! although it's gotten easier since we brought the monkey home, it is most definitely one of the most difficult things i've ever done. i haven't threatened to give up, because i am bound and determined to make it work, but i have invested a lot of time and money in the past 16 days in order to do so. the good news is that the monk is latching properly now and after a 3 day hiatus due to a torn nipple (OUCH!!!), we're back at it and luckily he doesn't seem to have a preference. however, i think my pump and i have formed a closer bond than the monkey and my boob have!!! now i just need to figure out how to gauge whether he's done with one and ready for the other or done altogether. i think it would be easier if he wasn't such an oinker, but this little boy eats 5 oz at every feeding!!! what a piggy. =) wish us luck as we continue this wonderful adventure!!!

monkey, monkey, monkey!

2008-05-30T11:52:00.000-07:00

oooooooookay...so this has taken me nearly 2 weeks...but better late than never, right? RIGHT! my darling husband allowed me to sleep from 9pm-9am (except for pumping breaks) last night so i'm feeling great and due to a torn nipple that started gushing blood last night, i am pumping for the weekend. which means that monkey is sleeping soundly right now because whereas he eats from the boob every hour it seems, the bottle knocks his cute little butt out!

on with the story! saturday, may 17th, phil and i woke up and spent the day together shopping for groceries so that we wouldn't have to go to the store after monkey got here. we went to build a bear and built him a monkey (chunky monkey!), and walked around the mall, costco, and the grocery store. i did as much walking as my poor ankles could handle and then we came home and napped. good thing...because at 3am i woke up, felt a gush from down below, and sat up straight in bed thinking to myself, "that was my water breaking, right?" well, no need to wonder, because soon after i felt another gush, and then another, and by that time i woke phil up telling him my water had broken. miraculously, all of that gushing somehow stayed off of my sheets, and did not drip on the way to the bathroom! WOOT WOOT! :)

i waited for a little while to see if my contractions would start and an hour later when i still hadn't had any, i called the hospital to see what i should do. they suggested i come in, so i packed my bag (i proscrastinate, what can i say?), phil did the dishes, and off we went. i drove, by the way. (sorry, babe!) we got to the hospital around 4:30 and after one of the most unpleasant exams i've ever received, i was told that i was still at 1. 1!!!!!!! STILL!!!!!!! so they sent me to the cafeteria to get some breakfast, since it was going to be the last time i ate, and started getting a room set up for me. at 7am we were taken to my room and although i had started having contractions, they were few and far between. at 9:30am they started pumping me full of pitocin and came by every 20 minutes to up the dosage. by 1:30pm, i decided it was about damn time for the epidural and they stuck me. immediately afterwards my surrogate grandparents stopped by and gave jacob his first birthday gift. napping commenced.

i woke up at 4:30pm and the nurse checked me. surprise! i was at 10. i may or may not have had a slight internal panic attack because boy howdy i was not expecting to be at 10. and yes, i did just say boy howdy. the nurse had me do a practice push and immediately told me STOP! it appeared little monkey was in a big hurry to join us all of a sudden. needless to say, 26 minutes and maybe 10 pushes later, i had a little monkey.

although i should've gotten an episiotomy, the doctor didn't cut fast enough, and i ended up tearing. monkey had some bruising on his face from the tight squeeze, and then his shoulders got stuck. so instead of holding my darling boy against my naked chest right away i had to wait for a few minutes for them to do their thing and make sure he was okay.

daddy took pictures, and mama cried a little, and then all of a sudden i had my little boy in my arms and it was the best moment of my life. he is the most handsome little monkey and already has a mind of his own. i can't believe he is already going to be 2 weeks old...it seems like he has been with us forever already and i can't imagine my life without him.

fyi...

2008-05-24T15:54:00.000-07:00

shaving your legs with a gigantic belly is so much easier than shaving your legs with gigantic tata's. seriously.

monkey has arrived!

2008-05-21T20:37:00.000-07:00

just a quick update for those of you who may be wondering...

jacob lucas joined us on sunday @ 4:56pm. he weighed 7 lbs 14 oz and was 20 inches long. labor was quick and effortless (thanks to the epidural!) and mommy, daddy, and monkey are very happy to be home.

story to come later!

everything changes

2008-05-15T20:53:00.000-07:00

my life has changed so drastically in the last year that i sometimes hardly recognize it as my own. there is no other time in my life that i remember having gone through so many changes all at once, yet i have never been so happy. i will always remember this pregnancy as being the best (so far) time of my life and i am so thankful for that. throughout my last pregnancy, while i was happy - even oddly so given the circumstances, i was going through the most awful time in my life and giving a baby away at the end of it all didn't help matters much. it took me a while to get my head back, and come to terms with my life up to that point, but i emerged whole, albeit bruised, and ready to grow the fuck up already.

i always said that i would never be able to "try" for my next baby. that it would just have to happen or i'd never do it because i was so afraid of not being able to give this baby everything i couldn't give my little man. so it was a tiny miracle that i did finally get knocked up and allow myself to face all the fears i had about having another child. because as soon as i saw those 2 lines, all the fears i had about being a mom vanished. i know i'm going to be a great mom. i'm going to make mistakes, and i'm okay with that. i have never looked forward to something so much as i am looking forward to watching this little boy grow into a man. a man who, if he's anything like his father, i will be so proud of.

so this is for my boys. my husband, my little man, and to the little monkey that refuses to get out of my belly: thank you so much for loving me, flaws and all, and letting me love you. you boys have changed my life in so many ways, and i am so lucky to have you.

in comparison

2008-05-09T18:53:00.001-07:00

i never thought i would still be pregnant right now. i know, i know...i probably jinxed myself, but having my little man 5 weeks early led me to believe that i would have this munchkin early as well. the pregnancies have been almost identical (physically anyway, COMPLETELY OPPOSITE mentally and emotionally speaking) - so identical, in fact, that i should have known this baby was a boy even when they tried to tell me it was a girl. especially since i was convinced it was a girl last time, too. i even said, "SHE HAS A PENIS?!?!" when they told me my little man was a boy. lol. but instead, it's kind of like being pregnant for the first time.

it's hard to believe that sometime in the next 3 weeks (because let's face it, even if they strip my membranes on monday that's no guarantee this monkey's coming out!) i will finally get to hold my little boy, and know that he is forever mine. i never got to connect with my little man that way and more than anything i look forward to holding monkey for the first time and knowing that i will feed him, love him, and nurture him for the rest of his life and that he will call ME mama. i am so grateful that i have been given another opportunity to be a mom. i was always so afraid that it wouldn't happen, and i would never get to have my baby call me mama. but i am also so grateful for the decision i made for my little man, and that i have been blessed with the most fabulous adoptive parents i could have ever asked for. i can't wait to see my little man a few weeks after monkey's arrival. to see him hold his little brother will be a moment i will never forget. and the fact that he will get to acknowledge that he is his little brother is a miracle as well. it's so comforting to know my little man is growing up in a home where openness and honesty are encouraged. making the decision to place him for adoption, while the hardest thing i've ever done, is also the most wonderful thing as well. it taught me so much about myself and others, and helped me become a better person.

this monkey has already brought so much goodness into my life, and he's not even here yet, that i can't even imagine how much is yet to be experienced. i can't wait to see my husband's face the first time he holds our baby, and to experience this journey together.

so come on monkey, and let's get on with it!

eviction notice

2008-05-07T20:31:00.000-07:00

dear tenant (aka: monkey),

effective today, 5/7/08, you have 14 days to vacate my uterus. i think you have had enough free room and board, and it is time for you to join the real world. it's not that i haven't enjoyed you inhabiting my body, but i think it's time we go our separate ways. thank you for your cooperation.

regards (love),

the mama

not funny!

2008-04-29T19:48:00.000-07:00

husband: "maybe we're having twins."

me: "HA! HAHAHAHA! no, i don't think so. i would be gigantic at this point. plus, they only hear one heartbeat."

husband: "maybe because they're only listening for one. maybe the first ultrasound showed the girl and the second showed the boy. maybe there's 2 babies in there!!!"

OH HELL NO.

unplugged

2008-04-28T20:06:00.000-07:00

so for those of you that are just dying to know (anyone?)...i lost part of my mucous plug yesterday. mmm...mucous. such a great word. but newayz! being that last week i was at 2, and i lost part of my mucous plug, i had expected some sort of progress, but lo and behold, it was not meant to be. i am still right where i was last week. the doctor even had the nerve to talk about induction (may 29th if i don't have him by my due date - may 22nd) while he was ramming his fist up my nether region. it better not get to that point, because i'm sorry - i know it sounds selfish - but i cannot gain any more weight. i am not fucking around! there is no way i am allowing this pregnancy to go on any longer than absolutely necessary and may 29th is far beyond that point!!!

in less horrifically selfish news (but really, can you blame me? i mean, the monkey is healthy, almost 7 lbs in fact, so it's not like i'm starving the boy!), i just went and got the hottest damn pedicure i've ever had. i never knew pedicures could be so hot. in fact, i almost screamed, "for the love of god, someone please put on the fucking air conditioning before i melt!!!" there was hot water, hot stones, hot towels, i mean COME ON! my legs and ankles were visibly swelling before their very eyes and no one thought to put on some damn AC. finally, about 2 minutes before i left, i got a bottle of cold water. which i may or may not have drank in 2 swallows.

as fascinating as this all is to you, my very few, dear readers...it is time to go watch me some intervention. pure comedy. sad, sad comedy, but comedy nonetheless.

dream weaver

2008-04-26T07:52:00.000-07:00

first of all, i'd like to say that i was woken up at 7:15am this morning by my dog licking the back of my neck. 7:15am. so now here i am typing this damn thing when i should be enjoying my last few days of sleep before monkey's arrival. SHOOT! that dog is lucky i love her.

also, i have not had one dream about the monkey since we found out it was a girl (long story, most of you reading this should already know). not even a baby mama dream where i leave him in the shopping cart and walk out of the grocery store. nada! speaking of baby mama - totally want to see that movie. has anyone seen it? should i suffer through 2 hours 8 months pregnant to see it?

but newayz! i am starting to get to the point where i've realized that HOLY SHIT i am about to have a baby! not in a, "i can't handle this, what am i going to do?!" kind of way, but more along the lines of, "WOW, i am finally going to get to hold this little monkey i have been making for 9 months" kind of way. and i'm excited, anxious, and exhilarated all at the same time. i just wish i knew when it was going to go down. and that it would happen soon! i should probably go out and do something that i don't want to go into labor doing, and BLAM! i'd go into labor. too bad i'm too lazy for all that. think i'll take a walk instead. ;)

28 days or less...

2008-04-23T18:40:00.000-07:00

...or 4 weeks, as of today. according to the doctor on monday the surface of my cervix is dilated 2 cm, but it's still closed. not much else to report except that i just spent $90 on two of the ugliest bras i've ever seen. and of course, the lady assisting me advised me to pass on the one bra that made me still feel human instead of like a damn milk machine. go figure. goodbye victoria's secret, i will miss you! i will miss your pretty pink panties, and your supremely flattering body by victoria bras, and your ridiculously expensive lingerie. maybe one day we shall meet again. if my f cups ever shrink back down to a tolerable size. baby making is so hotttttt. ta ta for now!

it's about time...

2008-04-17T21:23:00.000-07:00

hello out there in cyberspace! i am not promising i'm going to be any good at this blogging thing. in fact, i am still in denial that i have even taken the steps required to create this blog, but i'm going to give it a shot. i may offend you, i may bore you, i may go on and on about my child and nothing more, but you know what? it's my blog and i can do whatever i damn well please. however, the purpose of this is really only to document for myself, due to my rapidly diminishing memory, the life of my monkey. i'd like to be able to look back and see how i really felt about the beginning stages of motherhood before i go getting knocked up again. he should be here soon...34 days to be exact...and i'm dying to meet him. farewell for now. =)